Back to school for the kids — and total bliss for me

WHAT’S that sound?

Can you hear it? Shhhh. Listen closely. It’s the sound of ... nothing. Emptiness. Quiet rooms. S-i-l-e-n-c-e. Breathe it in, slowly, and savour it deep in your chest cavity. Exhale from the floor of your lungs. You are alone. Wander through the empty house in a daze, touching the silent walls as you go, floating from room to room, absorbing the deep calm of nothingness. Yes, I know I sound like a zen meditation CD but I don’t care, I’ve bloody earned it. So have you.

For the three most beautiful words in the English language right now are not ‘I love you’ — don’t be so daft — but ‘back to school’. This time of year they are the only three words to set your pulse racing. Four vowels and five consonants that mean you are about to get your life back. Not to mention your house. The television, the laptop, the Nintendo, the tinny pop music, the shouting and screaming, the bickering, the arguing, the wails of boredom, the demands and accusations and slamming doors — all replaced by ... nothing.