"Ah yeah, I’ll happily suck your soul out through your phone for four minutes instead of tapping out a response that would take less than four seconds."

"Here are my top five campaigns that I wish to enforce immediately, all of which deserve their own columns, but I have a deadline looming so I’m going to throw them all out there."

"Those Gen Zers — or Zoomers as I like to call them — will never know the pain, both physical and mental, of straightening your hair with the actual iron. I still have the scalp scalds."

You worry more about the girls? Well, maybe it’s time we start worrying about the boys

"I’m letting myself have a little nostalgic wallow when it dawns on me. Never mind them, how many summers do mam and dad have left?"

Architecture for kids, cool kettles, next gen noise-cancelling headphones and Nicola Coughlan-inspired Irish jewellery 

“If I don’t come back, avenge my death,” I call through the gap, towards the precious natural light, oxygen, and certain survival, “and never remarry.”

'He did our homework with us, he brought us to the dentist, he went to the parent/teacher meetings, he made breakfasts. He’d bring me a slab of toffee every Thursday, pension day'

Where’s our auditory social etiquette gone? Where’s the line? Is it OK to take a phone call in a crowd? Listen to a voice note on speaker? Let your excited dog bark?

'Just when you start getting a little smug because one kid hasn’t turned out to be a total psychopath (yet), the next one is pooing in their hand and presenting it to you like it’s a prize éclair'