"And here was I, delighted that my son is getting into the game, oh, but then along here come the Americans to show us they can de-class even the most demure of sports. The absolute fecking CHEEK of them."

"...quite a few of you have let me know you were a bit miffed not to have made the cut, and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out. Here we go!"

Next time you’re on the sidelines, you might just recognise one of these creatures in the wild

"Everywhere I look, there’s another pre-menopausal woman frantically uploading last year’s 4th Arc fleeces and Adidas Sambas, shoving the kids off the family laptop to print postage labels."

“You know, a wise woman once said, the eyes are the nipples of the face,” I say. We both look surprised. I don’t know where that came from.

The only thing I’ve ever risked to be thin is a third helping of sticky toffee pudding

I have to admit, I can see the appeal. No more stopping with the coffee cup half to your lips in the middle of the day, breaking out in a sweat trying to remember if you put peanut butter on his crackers when there’s a severe allergy in the school.

"The other day, I started crying over the position of a fruit bowl on the table, and made the cat run into the sliding glass door in confusion. Then I had to add ‘worry about cat concussion’ to my checklist."

“In Ireland,” an animated voice tells us, “jury service is one of the most important duties you can perform as an ordinary citizen.” I sit up straighter. I am on crucial business here.

"The 56-year-old is going for the Trump approach: Deny, deny, deny. She’s treating ageing like it’s a truculent toddler having a tantrum."