No fancy stuff for Samba boys

Brazilian coach Luiz Felipe Scolari has put down some terms and conditions for players hoping to have sex during this summer’s World Cup.

Scolari, who imposed a player sex ban during the 2002 tournament — which Brazil won — has a more relaxed approach this year. Well, to a point.

“Normal sexual intercourse made in a balanced way (is okay), but there are certain forms, certain ways and others who do acrobatics. And that, no,” said Scolari.

Former star Ronaldo has forgotten, or forgiven, the stance taken 12 years ago. “The manager would tell us that any player who cannot control his penis is not a man, but an irrational animal. The World Cup in 2002 was a wonderful memory but I will always remember the ache down below just as much as lifting the trophy.”