Our Three Lions back to natural habitat

AFTER their shocker against the Krauts, at least the England team can look forward to spending a bit of quality time with their wives again. Or, perhaps in John Terry’s case, someone else’s partner.

Mind, all Wayne Rooney’s going to face when he gets home is a lawsuit from David Blaine. Apparently the magician wants to sue him for nicking his idea of hanging around in the box for a fortnight doing nothing.

Hey, you’ve got to laugh. That’s what I would have suggested to the Blind Italian if he’d had the foresight to ask me what he should say to the press. I’d tell him, just go out there and tell them all to lighten up. But he didn’t ask me, as per, so just went out there and mumbled something about consulting with the FA. Who ever consulted with the FA? And who are the FA anyhow? I’ve been away three weeks, they’ll have been through three chief executives in the time I’ve been gone.

Still, there are decisions to be made out here. Like: what does DT do now? As you know, yours truly’s brief has been to act as ambassador for the 2018 World Cup bid.

And since Sunday I have to say there has been a big boost in support. Even the Germans seem keen on England landing it. As Franz Beckenbauer said to me, at least that way England will definitely be there so the Krauts are guaranteed a win. The trouble is, the longer DT is out in SA, the fewer mates are left hanging around. Thierry and his buddies hopped off home at the first opportunity. The Ities were not far behind.

Then there was England. People say to me, Dazz, what about the golden generation? How can a team containing Steven Gerrard, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard and Wayne Rooney be so bad? And I say, well there’s your answer right there: the problem was, thanks to the Blind Italian’s Uruguayan linesman-style inability to see what everyone else can see, the squad didn’t include a certain tough-tackling full back in the prime of his life. Though to be fair, if anyone’s reputation has soared in absence, it has surely been Darren Tackle’s. Well, him and Owen Hargreaves.

Anyhow, the question remains: does Dazz stay on, getting to know a bit about the country (or at least getting acquainted with the contents of his mini bar)? Or does he put his tail between his legs, Stevie G style, and retreat home defeated? Becks says to me I should stay on. Find out about the place. Take the chance of a holiday. Go diving with the sharks (though why I should want to do that when I’ve done a one-on-one interview with the bloke from the News of the World is beyond me). Or at least that’s probably what he meant when he texted me after the dressing room incident to tell me he wanted me as far from the team as possible. He’s taking his new job of head of security well serious.

So I’m thinking, yeah, I’ll hang on. There’s plenty of people who could use the advice of someone who has been there, played that and swapped a sweaty shirt on 90 minutes to prove it. Take yer Argies. I’m hearing there’s unrest in their camp. Apparently Messi and the boys are seeking a restraining order against their coach, old fat lips himself, to stop him kissing them on the lips in public. An expert in player-manager relations, like yer DT, could be a godsend in such circumstances. Just get in there and tell the sweaty geezer to take a cold shower before matches to cool his excitement.

Or take yer Dutch. Given that brother Kraut will lose to the snogger and his boys in the quarters, yer Orange mob are just about the only Europeans left in with a shout. Plus they’ve got the best looking fans. All them blondes in orange minis. If FIFA needs a hand getting them to take off them dresses because they is advertising some beer or other, Dazza is yer man to help.

But mainly, I can’t see beyond Brazil. Mind, my enthusiasm for them got the better of me on Monday. I was well certain Luis Fabiano’s going to get the golden boot. So I went off into Jo’burg looking for a bookies to place a bet and got a bit confused by the local shop signs.

Told some woman behind the counter of the first place I go in that I want to put my money on a Brazilian and the next thing I know she’s got out two candles and an electric razor. I’m still walking funny.