Come here muppets and give us a hug

Scene: the first Roy Keane Sunderland press conference.

“OKAY folks, Roy is just coming out now and he’ll take your questions.”

“Hello, everyone.”

“Roy, to state the obvious, everyone’s surprised that you’ve joined Niall Quinn at Sunderland.”

“Why?”

“The history between you two. Calling him a muppet in your book after the 2002 World Cup...”

“Ah lads, ‘muppet’ is obviously a term of affection. Come on, Statler, Waldorf, Beaker. Everyone loved those guys. Though Sam the Bald Eagle was my own favourite.”

“What about calling Niall Mother Teresa on another occasion, Roy? That’s hardly a term of affection.”

“A great woman, who wouldn’t be flattered by that comparison? You know, Mother Teresa ministered to the lowest in society, the poor, the hopeless and the neglected. Given that Sunderland are bottom of the league, in a strange way I probably forecast this role for Niall a long time ago.”

“When you came back from that World Cup you got sent off against Sunderland, of course, when you hit Jason McAteer...”

“I know. Jason, he’s the absolute limit!”

“...but Niall came across to shake your hand and Fergie sent him packing.”

“Yes, I remember that. And that’s not the way you want to resolve your conflicts. You map out a mutually agreeable process of reconciliation and both sides adhere to that in finding a solution. Resolution through compromise, that’s the way forward.”

“Not elbowing McAteer into the head, then.”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“You’re not an experienced manager, Roy, will you be getting in anyone to help?”

“Glad you asked that, I’m now going to introduce my two assistants. Helping me out with team discipline will be my old mucker Alf-Inge Haaland.”

“Isn’t that an unusual selection, given you, eh, kicked him up in the air in a Manchester derby?”

“Not at all. We made all that up a long time ago.”

“Did you? Didn’t you say about Alf in your autobiography: ‘I’d waited long enough. I f**king hit him hard. The ball was there. Take that you c**t’?”

“Heat of the moment. All forgiven in a minute. He’s good as gold, really.”

“Any other backroom additions?”

“Yup, we’ll have a very experienced man in charge of training, facilities and logistics — former Ireland boss Mick McCarthy.”

“Mick...but we thought you didn’t get on at all.”

“What gave you that idea?”

“The whole argument at the World Cup. The whole ‘stick the World Cup up your ass’ argument. The missing cones, the missing water. The rock hard pitch. The accusations about feigning injury.”

“Fair point. But since then I’ve realised that the pitch wasn’t that hard. The missing equipment probably toughened us up. And he was probably misinformed about feigning injury, I wouldn’t get too upset over that.”

“And sticking the World Cup...”

“Rhetorical flourish.”

“Any good wishes from former team-mates or opponents, Roy?”

“Sure, Pat Vieira texted me earlier, we had a good old laugh.”

“The last time you saw Patrick you were saying in the tunnel at Highbury you’d see him out on the field after the Gary Neville incident, didn’t you?”

“Ho ho ho, what larks. That was a private joke, I won’t go into the details...”

“Do you think discipline is going to be an issue for you here at Sunderland, Roy?”

“Well, we’ve taken steps to remedy that. My old pal David Elleray the referee said he’d talk to anyone whose discipline was slipping. He’s a card, is Dave. A red card.”

Silence.

“That’s a joke, lads.”

“Roy, can I just say thanks for a lovely spread of tea, coffee, biscuits, cake...”

“Not at all, lads, you’ve a tough job to do and I’m glad to help.”

“...and what appear to be prawn sandwiches. After your outburst about the same snack at Old Trafford that seems a little strange.”

“I suppose so, but first of all prawns are a valuable source of vitamin S, or the forgotten vitamin, as some doctors like to call it. I was probably a little too quick to condemn the prawn sandwich that time, as it was helping a lot of people out with their vitamin deficiencies.”

“Roy, can you identify any changes in your life that make you a different person to the player you were a few years ago? You seem much more forgiving.”

“I suppose you all know I do a lot of yoga for my hip, and through that I got into some of the eastern philosophies: the zen teachings have been particularly beneficial to me in terms of moving my life forward, I’d recommend them to anyone looking for more balance to their life.”

“Roy, one last question... we know you keep an eye on things at home in Ireland... do you see anyone there following your lead by embracing former enemies?”

“If they can that’d be great. They’d enjoy a lot of inner fulfilment.”

“Could you see Billy Morgan take over the Kerry footballers, for instance?”

Silence.

“I’m not a miracle worker. You’ll have to ask Mother Teresa for the impossible.”

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