Soccer: Grateful for the smallest of mercies

AT times like this that I have squirrel-ish tendencies. Sometimes writing this column can be painful, eking out significance from the often-dire fare we’re subjected to.

And other weeks there's so much going on that you wish you could store some of it away for a winter that's bound to be dull, given our new "reasonable" expectations.

Last week saw heavy fall-out from the Birmingham game. Steve Bruce's eyes are not only unaligned, they also have a selective weakness.

He could see Pongo's dive, but he couldn't see the same player being kicked from pillar to post by his neanderthal defenders.

He's a bit of a coward, too. When they conceded a penalty (and lost the keeper) at Old Trafford weeks ago, Isaiah felt no urge to speculate on that ground's curious effect on officials. How odd.

It made victory that much sweeter, but it occurred to me that Liverpool fans are too nice nowadays. It takes a lot to provoke us, while others start at "rabid" and work their way up.

For example, can you name another assistant manager who takes ANY abuse, never mind the tediously unoriginal guff that Phil Thompson is subjected to?

It could be our arrogance, I suppose. United put their national contempt to good use, but we shrug our shoulders and wonder why everyone's so upset.

When our manager tries to create a similar siege mentality, he's the one who gets it in the neck! It's no coincidence that our best results this season (Everton, Blackburn, Brum) came on the days when we were at our angriest.

There's no denying it hatred is football's fuel. Ferguson and Wenger are masters at winding their players up to breaking point, so perhaps there was method in the madness that seemed to afflict Houllier after the Bolton defeat?

It was hard for fans to work out where this vitriol was coming from. After all, anyone who puts Otsemobor, Biscan, Traore, Riise, Diao, Le Tallec, Smicer and Heskey in the same side can't be expecting Bernabeauty, surely?

Who bought them? Who coaches them? Anyone expecting a quality display from that lot is seriously deluded. Rumours abound that Gerard's temper was tweaked by two players only, Diao and Dudek.

But whose idea was it to take Traore off and put Salif in his place?

"They let the fans down." Not me, I couldn't care less. This squad can't play two games a week, end of story. Until it is substantially strengthened, we have to prioritise and cut out the chaff.

The game was farcical at times, with ball control at an all-time low. Riise now seems to think Jonny Wilkinson is an excellent role model for a footballer.

That's because of his clean-cut image, John. Not the numerous times he whacks the ball as hard and as far as he can.

But all anyone could talk about was Gerard's outburst.

While Fergie shrugs, Houllier fumes. He made it a big loss. Small wonder people think our man's distraught because his one chance of job-saving silverware vanished.

Did he honestly think another league cup would bale him out? Is he so far out of touch? You couldn't help wondering.

Those who've seen his performance on the official web-site maintain that, if it was an act, it would make Lee Strasberg jealous.

I've no mystical powers, but I felt sure our late equaliser would count for nothing. What's the point of resting key men if you're going to bring them on as subs and then play another 30 minutes?

That we conceded a penalty of such awesome clumsiness and stupidity almost straight from the kick-off did not surprise me in the least. My fall-back position is cynicism, true, but we didn't need this cup this year.

It was in the way, and although Gerard 'over-egged the pudding' (as my mam is fond of saying) we can now concentrate on what matters.

Not that there was much evidence of any benefit at Newcastle. The authorities' contempt for football fans is getting worse.

I hated going to Middlesbrough, but at least that was at 3 o'clock. "It's an even longer journey for the Scousers? I know, let's bring it forward to 12.30".

Thanks a bunch.

I half expected to meet Monty Python's Yorkshiremen, complaining about having to get up half an hour before they went to bed!

And all for a performance every bit as uninspiring as the Riverside's. At least we could share the blame for that fiasco with Boro, our partners in somnambulism. Our stale mates, if you will.

The Geordies have no other mindset than to attack, and it's to their credit. Yes, we'd lost Kewell and it was a tricky visit. Was that enough to justify the cowardice that followed?

Not really, because injuries should not affect approach. Even if it were excusable, how is any team to be successful when it is locked into a plan and can't escape?

After five minutes, it became obvious to everyone in the ground (it wasn't much of a secret to begin with) that Titus Bramble is the worst defender in the country.

He had two things to do: beat Sinama-Pongolle in the air and stop Smicer from muscling him off the ball.

NOT exactly Herculean Tasks, but he failed both abysmally. We scored from one gaffe, and nearly scored from the other. Is it really beyond our manager and players to work it out?

Create more problems for Bumble, and we might score more.

Make the second-half academic, rather than fraught with fear.

Of course it is.

This was Old School Houllier, a million miles away from even his own paltry idea of "an attacking philosophy".

United, Chelsea or Arsenal fans would burn down the ground if they were subjected to this, but it shows how low our standards have slipped that we rejoice in the point we stole.

Liverpool FC, 2003 'vintage': grateful for the smallest of mercies.