How to avoid ruining a good walk? Stay in

IT’S Masters Sunday — Tiger is in the hunt for another green jacket, Harrington is quietly coming up on the rails and Mickelson is mounting a fightback.

And you’re at home. Having the time of your life that is!

“Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child,” the late John Updike once said.

Too right, Johnny.

Crank the TV up to 11, invite your friends around and follow this flawless plan which will ensure that though the sport may be a good walk ruined, with some imagination and expert alcohol beverage mixing, it can be a great night in, this weekend.

TV

LET’S start with the important stuff. This will be the first Masters to be screened in high definition. So — driving any recession anxiety straight down the fairway — invest in a HD-ready set.

Every blade of grass on the lush Georgian course, the pearls of sweat on the brows of those on the 18th green and of course the expression-filled faces of the spectators in the grandstand will be sharply drawn on screen.

It’s just a pity Gary Lineker will be presenting the BBC coverage.

GUESTS

PROBABLY the next most important ingredient in this sporting cocktail and the active ingredient in any good shin-dig. So while not choosing your guests as prejudicially as, say, the Augusta National Golf Club in the 1960s, leave your sister-in-law off the list if she’s going to reprise the holy show that was last year’s Eurovision hootenanny. It may be wise to dispatch bespoke admission badges, just like those at the real thing, to any invitees.

A strict BYOB policy must also be violently enforced at the threshold.

DRINK

SET up a bar in the corner of your room and name it Amen Corner. Serve rum-based cocktails in crystal goblets not unlike those awarded to players who make an eagle. In these recessionary times, you can substitute “rum-based cocktails” for “own brand scrumpy” and “crystal goblets” for “washed out jam jars”.

FOOD

US domestic goddess — and ex-con — Martha Stewart offers a smorgasbord of gridiron-related nibbles and recipes for a Superbowl Party but has failed to get into the golf swing.

However, the same way strawberries and cream is the signature dish of the Wimbledon tennis championships, the pimiento, cheese sandwich is a tradition at Augusta. A pimiento is a hot, cherry pepper so good luck getting that in Eurospar.

COSTUMES

EVERYONE, and I mean everyone, must wear a green jacket. I found a replica one on ebay yesterday for $66. But as it won’t arrive in time I’ll be dusting off the spinach-coloured blazer I had to wear for my Confirmation.

Don’t put it on yourself however; get a friend or neighbour to slip it onto your arms and shoulders like the Sunday evening winner’s ceremony.

Caddies at the Masters are compelled to dress in white boiler suits like inmates at a golfing camp X-Ray. This may be an option for the more dapper dressers, I suppose.

GAMES

CHILDREN and/or women may be present, depending on who your friends bring along. An X-box in a nearby building or room with Gary Player Golf may be a distraction. You can also rent your own mini-golf course and set it up in your backyard.

DECORATIONS?

HANG a taut, white bed sheet on a living room wall and carefully mark out a giant leaderboard.

One or more of the children might be willing to carry out the duty of filling in players’ scores. This will also ensure they remain quiet.

Make azaleas, the floral staple of Augusta National, into centre pieces for your coffee table. Again, this may be something your other half might like to do. Or not.