Points haul masks poor displays

THERE’S nowhere better to go than the North-East when we’ve had a bit of trouble his season, it would seem. After the Christmas party scandal, a dreadful Sunderland compliantly rolled over to help us cover the wounds; now, after the alarmingly poor show and lucky escape in Lyon, wretched Newcastle duly played the patsy.

Not that we’re complaining, of course. Anyone who remembers the hairy battles up at St James during Messiah Kevin’s First Coming in the mid-Nineties will have been savouring their Saturday night dinner more than usual — and I can’t remember the last time we put 11 goals past one opponent in a league season. Training ground exercise much of it might have been, but Rooney’s clincher truly was worth the ticket price, and credit too — for the second week running, gasp! – to Carrick for his slide-rule passing.

Nonetheless, that mention of the Christmas party brings to mind a current belief among some that surface-glitter results, such as the last two Saturdays, have masked a decline in our overall performance since that morale-sapping, unfestive week.

The cricket-derived phrase “flat-track bully”, recently tentatively applied to Ronaldo in light of his alleged big-match disappearing acts, could also be applied to United, perhaps, especially when so starkly illuminated as it was in Lyon last week. You would certainly have feared for our prospects had Tevez not popped up at the death, and although United must now be favourites to go through, some old worries about our European frailties have re-emerged.

Renewed muttering about our failure to sign a striker in January was also heard in Lyon bars, a failure that was almost entirely due to lack of funds, a truth revealed by the totally overlooked full club accounts, released under cover of darkness last week. Seeing Fergie-reject Torres move onto 21 goals this past weekend did rather underline the point; no-one, of course, is seeing Saha as anything other than a man whose bags are packed.

One also might raise an eyebrow at Fergie’s claim that “the players have now atoned for the defeat versus City.”

Mmm: any Manc Red will respond that they will only truly atone for that disgrace when they have beaten City a couple of times. Besides, perhaps we should wait until we have passed a couple of further similar tests against opponents as committed as City, such as Liverpool and Lyon will shortly pose, before we draw a positive overall conclusion.

Incidentally, the French league fixture computer has done us a favour on the latter: Lyon will have to face a probable title-deciding clash with chasing rivals Bordeaux just days after the Old Trafford leg, thus denying them the opportunity to expend every drop of resource against us. Moreover, you look at the week Arsenal have just had and you remind yourself of the English national maxim: “mustn’t grumble”.

Their slim current points advantage is clearly eminently eradicable, and the behaviour of players like the embarrassment that is William Gallas does make you wonder whether they are on the verge of a 2003-style implosion.

One pauses to express some sympathy for Eduardo, by the way, but given the petulant assaults perpetrated by Flamini, Eboue, Gallas and others at Old Trafford — any of which could have broken limbs — one is disinclined to indulge too much massed violinery. Not least given Wenger’s outrageous comments, which he at least had the intelligence to withdraw later. They are a wonderful team, and Wenger is clearly touched by genius, but really: what a bunch of spoilt, pouting primadonnas they can so often revoltingly be.

Meanwhile here’s something for Gooners truly to cry about: I understand one of their very top stars was in Barcelona with his agent in the past fortnight on a secret mission of predictable intent, a story which may emerge within the week. Next time, son, don’t be signing autographs on boarding passes for United-friendly spies…”

* Richard Kurt, whose “Red Army Years” is only available via [e-mail]