If I had tickets I’d give them to you. Absolutely

This is a special week for me. Not because the Premier League has come back to enable the emotionally stunted, and not because Mindhunter Season 2 arrives on Friday, though I will be accepting no attempts at communication this weekend as I cower at the sight of Cameron Britton. Again.

No, this week is special for me because these are the few days of every year when nobody I speak to hears the words coming out of my mouth, or understands those words, choosing instead to impose their own meaning on every utterance.