Fans no longer need to fear committing a summer faux pas
Yes, you know what I mean. Sunny Sundays. Standing on a terrace somewhere getting your face burnt to a crisp. Then, home in the car for the post-mortem. And whatever the result, it doesn’t matter, you’ll still tune in for The Sunday Game. Who knows? You might even see your blazing, red beak on the television. It’s the time of the year when life starts to makes sense again.
But being a fan isn’t always easy. The supporter often faces many difficult decisions. For instance, is it wrong to be seen in public eating ham sandwiches from the boot of a car? And if your team is getting beaten, at what stage is it acceptable to leave the ground?
Given the difficulties involved, we thought it was time fans were provided with a reference guide which they can use at times of crisis and confusion. The GAA Supporters’ Handbook has been compiled to meet that need. Based on more than three decades of observation, the following tips will provide an indispensable source of advice for fans of all levels.
Tip#1
Always complain about the price of tickets.
Tip#2
When you can’t get a ticket, complain about the scarcity of tickets.
Tip#3
If there is no shortage of tickets, and they’re not overpriced, then the game is not worth going to see.
Tip#4
Never admit to reading online discussion boards.
Tip#5
When posting messages on discussion boards always claim to be from a different club.
Tip#6
Have a detailed knowledge of at least three different routes to the game. This is essential for pre-match conversations.
Tip# 7
Every village and town in the country has a man who prides himself on being the first one home from the game. Always lie about your journey time to this individual.
If he got home at seven o’clock, then you got home at half six, and you drove five miles out of your way for a feed and a tank of diesel.
Tip#8
This advice is directed to female fans who really want to shout at the referee but resist this urge because they feel like they don’t know enough about the game. Such reticence is misguided. Do not suppress that anger. It’s not healthy. Let it out. Most of the men slabbering at referees know next to nothing about the game either. Shout away to your heart’s content.
Tip#9
If your normally placid and impeccably behaved wife starts roaring like a lunatic at referees, threaten to stop taking her to games. There are enough idiots at matches.
Tip#10
Always watch The Sunday Game.
Tip#11
Newcomers to the GAA who are keen to be seen as well-informed supporters of the game must learn how to direct abuse at the referee.
A liberal repetition of just two or three of these remarks has served many supporters for th eir entire lifetime.
1) Referee, you’re for nothing.
2) Where’s your book at now referee?
3) For f***’s sake referee, give us something.
4) Referee, there are two teams in this game.
5) Sure hit yourself ref.
Tip#12
Novice supporters who are too intimidated to get involved in post-mortems should remember that all defeats boil down to three different reasons.
1) the manager.
2) the manager.
3) the manager.
Tip#13
In the 129-year history of the GAA, no football or hurling team have ever got beaten because the opposition had superior players.
Tip#14
Never be ashamed of the fact that you only start following your county team after they’ve won a few games. A recent survey showed that 92% of GAA fans are bandwagon jumpers.
Tip#15
Always be armed with a couple of ethical reasons which explains your non-attendance at county games. For example in Derry, many fans refuse to attend any game that is in Celtic Park (wrong part of the county) or Clones (wrong part of the province).
Tip#16
Boot eating is unacceptable.
Tip#17
Boot eating while sitting on a deck chair is morally wrong.
Tip#18
If you buy food from a mobile van, count yourself lucky if you get horse meat in the burger.
Tip#19
Never panic park. Roll on. There will always be a space closer to the pitch.
Tip#20
If an opposition fan is annoying your head, do not respond unless you are standing behind them.
Tip#21
If the opposition fan you have just insulted turns around to discover the identity of their abuser, avoid eye contact and stare intently at the pitch.
Tip#22
Always shout at someone who puts up an umbrella — no matter how bad the downpour.
Tip# 23(a)
Betting against your county is bad form and it should not be encouraged.
Tip#23(b)
Like all bad habits, if you really must, then go ahead. But don’t admit it, and don’t get caught.
Tip#24
Wanting a provincial neighbour to get beaten in the All-Ireland series is entirely natural.
A recent survey showed that 67% of Armagh fans wanted Cork to beat Down in the 2010 All-Ireland final. The other 33% were lying.
Tip#25
Ignore any announcement which instructs supporters to respect the National Anthem until it is completed.
Remember that Amhrán na bhFiann is a rebel song, and what sort of a rebel listens to an official with a microphone?
Sung in the GPO during the 1916 Rising, The Soldier’s Song is supposed to warm the blood so when the dip comes at the end, it is your duty as an Irishman to gulder as loudly as you possibly can: “COME ON.....”
