Brand slaves in a mad dash for it
Have you stocked up enough selection boxes to feed half of Africa never mind the five nephews and nieces for whom they were intended.
No? Well, what are you reading this for? Don't you realise what time of year it is?
The consumer culture, happiness in slavery on the centre aisle. Half price, today only. Why not? Everyone else is doing it.
Christmas Eve: Aunt Ellen has arrived and you're just out of chocolate mallows.
For God's sake, man, what were you thinking? Buy 20 packets! What, the shop will be closed for two days?
Buy 50!
Panic grips the nation. Red alert: tinsel is running low. A stampede to the nearest lowest prices superstore as Christmas tension runs high while prices stay low (though not as low as a month ago).
You can't be left out. Don't show weakness. Be strong, resolute. It'll all be over soon.
But wait. Johnny next door has that new DVD camcorder? Get me 20. I need TOTAL coverage.
Sarah has a seven-foot Christmas tree? Cut a hole in the roof. I need a canopy. And there's some turkey singing Patricia the Stripper? Can we eat him? For heaven's sake, Fintan, calm down. There are more important things at stake here. Stuffing, man, stuffing! Spoiling the children. Why not? It is, after all, only one day of the year.
Remortgage dammit, we need a sleigh. Don't you realise these are dangerous times? They're watching my every step.
We can't leave the toys in Granny's... too obvious. They've probably already deciphered the code to the panic room.
Under their beds. They'll never expect it. Always mess with their minds.
Christmas cards? Get me the voters' register. Leave one of them out and word will get around. I'll never hear from them again.
Didn't get a card from Bertie... didn't vote for him. Could it be that simple? Hectic schedules, but why? What has actually been accomplished. Amateurish questions. The true master knows there is no time for such inquisition.
No time to think. I've got to pre-order the Cubebox 480, or whatever they call it.
Is the TV HD-compatible? No? Dump it. Embrace the future, if only for these few weeks. Trade up, but not just yet. Time to rest. Hit bottom, climb from the wreckage and read your credit card statement.
Damn. Not sweet, but don't worry. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the January sales.
Billy Kennedy
Market Lane
Main Street
Templemore
Co Tipperary
