I'll give the next Love/Hate a shot

I’M hypothetically writing an imaginary political drama at the moment.

If it existed it would be set in an Irish city and filmed largely in the corridors of power rather than in Dublin’s gangland, like Love/Hate. The main reason for this is that if I was hired as a script consultant, I wouldn’t want to be hanging around industrial estates and motorways in West Dublin watching lads with short hair shouting at each other: “Where is ih? WHERE’S DE MUNNEY?”

Unfortunately, I keep running into a brick wall in the plot. There’s a scene I’m trying to write where a black Lincoln towncar with tinted windows pulls up to the main character (a crusading newly-bearded standup-comedian with good cheekbones). A large man steps out and holds the back door open and says:

“The mayor wants to see you. Get in.”

And I, I mean, the crusading comedian just laughs and says:

“The mayor?! What’s he gonna to do? Cut my ribbon?”

It’s a large gap in Irish television drama. A mayor is potentially a great character in any work of fiction: a man or woman with huge power over the lives of hundreds of thousands of people who can operate independently of the party system. It’s ripe for intrigue. The elections would be a fascinating mix between the Dáil election — where something’s at stake — and the presidential election — an all-out dirty-tricks campaign — that would make for great TV. The claustrophobic Danish thriller The Killing takes place during a mayoral campaign as did Season 4 of The Wire.

Currently our mayors won’t get into any plot unless the intrigue involves wondering whether the mayor will be late for the opening of the new allotments.

But that could change. Dublin City Council have voted in support of a mayoral plebiscite (that’s election to us plebs). There’s no guarantee it will go any further than this. Getting the current government to have real political reform is like trying to call a cat. It might come over but not because you want it to, not when you want it to, or not at all. Or if it does come over you might get bitten.

Still, we can only hope. It would be great for our cities to have elected people at the helm with real power. The money is already there. Cork’s mayor is paid more than the Spanish prime minister. While it could be argued that the weather is much better than Spain, the only people paid more for wearing a chain than Irish mayors are the actors in 50 Shades of Grey. That is not to say they don’t work hard. The Cork mayor’s schedule looks to be a solid enough 50-hour week but it’s all “Open this” and “Attend that”. While these are all vital functions in the social fabric of the city, I’m sure she must be itching to have appointments such as “Cleanup this goddamn city once and for all” and “Call Batman.”

It’s not as if they’re not capable. These are all professionals who have had careers prior to this. It’s time to let them fulfil their potential.

I can’t wait to get started on the script.