‘The additional euro on wine is to pay for all the free cheese’

Death and taxes. Outdated old certainties.

These days, Benjamin, we can do a little better than that.

Soon one will offer no escape from the other.

As one postmortem began on RTÉ One, Nora O’Donovan of the Senior Citizens Parliament suggested the ability to defer Local Property Tax payments would be cold comfort to the elderly.

“If they don’t get you when you’re living, they’ll get you when you’re dead. I don’t want to be leaving my debts after me for my nieces and nephews to pay.”

A can that would have to be carried, not kicked down the road.

On The Last Word with Matt Cooper, former Fianna Fáil adviser Gerard Howlin had sprinted to the other end of this extended playing field. In the taxation of Maternity Benefit, he found another set of shifted goalposts.

“With a State convulsing itself at the moment trying to decide when life in the womb begins, it’s certain that taxation begins at the moment of conception.”

Just two of a cocktail of measures that will lead the Irish people, by the nose, to success, insisted Michael Noonan.

The minister mentioned success many, many times in his warm-up kickabout before getting down to business yesterday. Funnily enough, former Scottish international Charlie Nicholas had just been on Sky Sports News minutes earlier, bemoaning his nation’s lack of success on the football pitch.

“What Scottish football badly needs is a kick in the arm,” suggested Charlie.

A tactic we hope will work here too.

In a week when many kites were flown and many leaks spilled, it was entirely fitting that one of the day’s key indicators had emerged early; by noon we had seen photographs of the minister’s budget day tie.

Paddy Power had run a book on its colour and the people who consider these things had been busy considering the choice of wardrobe. Green for growth, black for austerity, brown for grim reality, red offering the vague promise of money, one day.

Burgundy it was then. The implications? A euro on the price of a bottle of Burgundy.

Sober times. Mind you, on Twitter Ciara Nolan had identified a logical progression from a notable giveaway from a budget past.

“This additional euro on wine is obviously to pay for all the free cheese.”

Whatever the reception for the cheese and wine, it was brave decision of the minister to throw in a little word game early in his speech. “The Irish financial crisis can be summarised in one word…,” he ventured, leaving members of the house and everyone watching at home just enough leeway to roar everything from ‘dire’ to their favoured expletive of the day.

“Debt…” he meant, as if we could forget.

Interestingly, on a day when TD’s expenses were hit, there appeared to have been some signs of rare reluctance at the Leinster House photocopying machines.

Ten minutes into Minister Noonan’s speech, there was an intemperate outburst from opposition spokesman Michael McGrath, who found it “unprecedented” and, naturally, “a disgrace”, that budget documentation still hadn’t been circulated to the rest of the house.

Ironically, Mr McGrath was soon praising the Irish people for “their tolerance and patience,” having heard a bamboozling address from Brendan Howlin. Probably the only winners were those hoping for a full-house on buzzword bingo.

“We are taking a focused and integrated approach to external service delivery of non-core activities, where appropriate.”

Whatever it means, we’ll assume it’s another step to success. We must be nearly there.

Onto pulling it apart. For maximum symbolism, Joe Higgins stood in the bleak, wintery evening outside Leinster House and told Brian Dobson it is a “savage, deflationary budget.”

On Newstalk, George Hook was among the first to get his claws into Mr Noonan and kicked off with a few familiar old jibes that, by now, the old campaigner parries as readily as Packie Bonner once did shots from range.

“You got a pat on the head from Olli Rehn. I’m sure he made you best boy in class. But you’re a schoolboy bully in relation to people of Ireland.”

But it was when Hook brought things a little closer to home, that Noonan, briefly, spilled one back into a dangerous area.

“Let’s tackle fairness. How can you suggest the property tax is fair? I’m sure it plays well in Limerick. Houses cost less in Limerick than in Dublin. People will pay less.”

“The fairness is it that those that have the most valuable properties pay the most tax. And you know, if you pay more, you will have extra services locally.”

An admission that his home city would trail behind the capital when it comes to services? Pádraig Mac Lochlainn of Sinn Féin had called the new tax “three-card trick stuff.” That probably wasn’t the trump card Mr Noonan was looking to play.