Why it’s not always fun to play the dating game
GUYS complain that girls roam in packs and are hard to approach. But, women gripe, men sit in groups drinking all night, and then come looking for a drunken one-night stand. Welcome to Singledom Ireland, where it seems almost impossible to find romance.
According to lifestyle coach Mary Kenny, who specialises in counselling love-hungry singletons, even “nice, decent and attractive” people have difficulty finding a date. “Guys find a group of girls very intimidating. They say the women go around in packs and that it’s really hard for them to get up the courage to go into the middle of a big group of women.
“The women say that when they go out, the guys are there in groups getting very drunk. They will only approach them at the end of the night when they’re quite inebriated, and the women cannot be sure of their motives — are they looking for a one-night stand or a possible relationship?”
Kenny, who runs courses on how to find and sustain a relationship, believes part of the problem lies in a Saturday night culture where girl gangs and male-only groups predominate: “People generally socialise in single sex groups and there’s often not much interaction between the groups.”
Alcohol is always an integral part of the singles social scene, admits Ben, a single civil servant in his early thirties. But women drink heavily too, he says: “It’s a confidence thing for both men and women. I feel the need for a few drinks before I ask someone out or even approach a girl to say hi.
“It’s not a case of being wasted, it’s more about just having a few drinks to give you a bit of confidence.”
Says Tara, a 30-year-old teacher, single for the past 12 months since breaking up with her boyfriend of four years : “Anyone that I met when I was out seemed to be drunk and unattractive and the whole scene seemed very superficial.
“I don’t think Irish people are very good at dating. So much of our social scene revolves around drinking and the dating side of it is very random.
“Often, men or women will only approach each other at the end of the night once they’ve had a skinful of booze and that doesn’t always make for sparkling repartee.”
However she adds: “I don’t think that women should lay all the blame at the men’s door. We should also be more open to making the approach or initiating conversation. I have to admit that I’m not great at that. ”
Globe-trotting Co Kildare singleton Michelle Killian believes that other cultures have a more relaxed and equitable dating scene, where men and women frequently socialise together. “When I travel abroad I find girls and guys go out together and I go out with male and female friends together — but in Ireland I go out with girls one night and my male friends another night.
“Yet other communities like the Poles and the Brazilians socialise together — you only see this split in Irish culture.”
Tara, who spent time in the US over the past year, says she was intrigued by a dating culture, where it was quite normal for men to ask women out on dates. “I found American men much more relaxed and confident about approaching women. They weren’t drunk and they were very polite, straightforward and complimentary: that’s a pretty good mix.”
However, Irish men claim that Irish women are very hard work, reveals Kenny. “They say that their expectations are too high and that they’re very high-maintenance compared to other women.”
Yet, according to Kenny, old-fashioned standards still prevail. “It’s still very rare for a woman to approach a man and ask for his number — deep down men are still expected to do the pursuing and Irish men aren’t very good at it. Foreign men are much more overt about seeing someone they like and going after her,” she says.
Female clients report that guys will ask them for their number — and then fail to call. What many women don’t suspect she says, is that this is often a mere face-saving exercise. “Sometimes if they feel a woman’s not interested in a one-night stand, they’ll ask for her number — but they have no intention of ringing her.
“A lot of women don’t realise this and it leads to them waiting for calls that never come.”
Ben wonders why don’t women don’t approach men — it’s 2011, he points out, yet men are still expected to do nearly all of the pursuing. “Men are expected to do a lot of the initial chatting up which can be bit annoying. I think it shouldn’t be all down to the man, I feel women should be able to ask a guy out.”
But those women who do approach men can take rejection badly. “When a girl tells me she’s not interested I say fair enough and I walk away, but sometimes if a girl approaches me and I say I’m not interested, they can get very unpleasant. They make derogatory comments and it can get nasty.”
And then there are the friends. “If you’re talking to a girl and her friends don’t like you it can be quite difficult to carry on a conversation. They’ll stare at you and tell the friend to come away, either because they don’t like the look of you or because they’re jealous that she’s being chatted up and not them.”
Ben’s not too bothered though. “I don’t struggle to meet girls because I enjoy being single — I don’t see anything wrong with not having a long-term girlfriend, I’m not desperately seeking one.
“I’ve had a few long term relationships and it can be confining.”
Although Tara admits she’d like to have a great man in her life, she believes it’s better to be happy on her own than in a bad relationship for the sake of being in a couple. “I know some people who are stuck in brutal relationships because they were more afraid of being on their own.
“When I see what they have to put up with and how they’re now trapped by mortgages or family, I feel very lucky not to have made bad decisions for all the wrong reasons.
“I definitely think it’s harder to meet people once you’re over 30, though. A lot of my friends have settled down and are having children, so they’re understandably not up for big nights out.”
Women in their mid to late thirties have it hardest, believes Kenny. Many men don’t want to settle down until well into their thirties, she says, and then they’re looking for younger women.
“The men are either looking for younger women, or are married and looking for a one night stand, or are emerging from a broken relationship with children.
“An eligible male will often come with a lot of baggage — perhaps a broken marriage and children behind them so women see it as taking on something quite onerous.”
For their part, thirty-something men complain of being pressured to settle down. “They find it off-putting — yet from the woman’s point of view there is concern that their fertility levels are dropping and that the biological clock is ticking.”
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