Caroline O'Donoghue: 'I've come to realise that, in terms of the quarantine, I really am in the one per cent'

I've come to realise that, in terms of the quarantine, I really am in the one per cent. I live with a partner, but I don’t have children. My nerves aren’t frayed from repeated viewings of Paw Patrol and failed attempts at homeschooling.

Both my grandparents and my boyfriend’s grandparents have all passed on, so we’re not gnawing our nails with personal worry about the care-home crisis. Our parents are all healthy and keeping themselves to themselves. We are financially sound enough for us to still buy treats at the supermarket, but not rich enough to attract the resentment of our peers.

But most of all, our jobs haven’t changed. I am still at my desk for eight hours a day, and he is still at his. There are still books to write, and in his case, still adverts to design.

So I’m not experiencing the chasm of free time that many furloughed workers are going through, and I feel for them. After a month of this, it’s no longer fun to binge Netflix or bake bread. They want to get back to work. They don’t want to learn sign language or take up the ukulele.

They want to interact with people. And that’s what you’re seeing everywhere: this hunger for connection, this eagerness to be seen. People are getting in touch. And, after briefly polling my friends, I think I have a list of exactly who.

The Text From The Ex

Maybe it’s the sweet guy you spent one drunk summer with, and have nothing but good feelings towards. Maybe it’s the poor guy you took to your debs and haven’t spoken to since.

Either way, he’s just sent you a Youtube link to a 52 minute long Bob Dylan interview just a liiiiiiittle too late in the evening. “Saw this and thought of you,” he types, sighing and realising he might as well finish the bottle now that it’s out of the fridge. “Hope you’re keeping safe.”

You watch the Bob Dylan interview for three minutes, waiting for the point that it becomes relevant to your relationship together. It will not. You are one of many people receiving this Bob Dylan interview this evening. Which, y’know. Good for Bob.

The Birthday Martyr

Friends — This week it’s my birthday, but instead of gifts I would appreciate a few lines of verse that remind you of me so I may collect them for my corona scrap-book.

Love and thanks, Paul

There once was a man named Paul,

For whose birthday I was going to get him shag-all

But he asked me for verse

And with no time to rehearse

And no qualities about him I could recall

The One With The Inside Track

Who needs the news when this woman has somehow managed to have a “friend” in the government, a “friend” who is a virologist, a “friend” who is in intensive care and a “friend” who has just captured live footage of a 5G tower that is being erected in Maynooth?

The One Who Would Really, Really Like You To Know About Their Charitable Donation

Hi guys — just wanted to see if anyone knows whether the World Health Organisation prefers one-off large cash donations or continuous direct debits? Thought I would just check this long-dead Whatsapp group, to see if anyone knew.

Hope you’re all keeping well, xxx

The One Who Thinks That Now Is The TIme To Go Viral

Hey guys! From 8pm tonight I’m going live on Instagram with “My Corona”, a cover of “My Sharona” re-written by me for these mad, mad times! Join me for a live singalong or tweet your support with the hashtag #JustinsMyCoronaSingAlong.

If the viewer numbers get too low, I WILL force my baby to shake a tambourine balefully at the camera, so let that be on your heads. Also, I haven’t made the bed.

The Company That Seems Very Keen on Offering You Solace

Subject line: A word from our CEO

Dear RUGS-N-THINGS customer,

In these times of immense stress, I think it’s fair to say that we have all had the ‘rug’ pulled out from under us. But know now that RUGS-N-THINGS will fight to always be here for you: under your feet, over your floor boards, inside of your house.

Although our warehouses are shut, we continue to look to the future, as we predict that someday — someday very soon, I hope — people will be thinking about buying rugs again. PS, everyone is washing their hands.

The Old Colleague

This is a bit like when we were stuck in that ice cream van together in 2002 isn’t it??

Anyway, how are you?? Are you watching Tiger King?? Saw you went to France last year, piccies looked great! Anyway this is the most time I’ve spent alone in 15 years, and I thought, why not get in touch with old pals? Maybe start a book club.

Read any good books lately??

People With Small Children

Anyone who has small children gets a pass. They can send me anything. Send me pictures of your child’s crap drawing, send me videos of their homemade drum kit, send me their test scores for your homeschooled quiz on the snail that lives in your garden.

If you have small children in your house you get to do what you want, and no one gets to criticise you.