Nobody makes stirring speeches any more

DOUBT stalks the land. Irish people are using sterling to blow their nose. There’s talk of Britain’s corporation tax being lowered to a level where it could cause foreign multinationals to disregard the ABSOLUTE CRAIC they have here.

We need calming and where are our leaders? A stirring speech might calm our fears. It was Roosevelt who first said: We have nothing to fear but fear itself. We owe FDR a great debt, not only for fighting the Great Depression and tyranny but for making it easier for us columnists to write a first line. Which as any writer will tell you is their biggest fear — fear of a blank page.

But one thing people like him could do was coin a phrase and give a speech. Nobody makes stirring speeches any more. If you look for great speeches of history, very few are from modern times.

Barack Obama’s first inauguration and acceptance speeches just about sneak into some lists. He is an acknowledged orator. The rhythm, the repetition, the simple powerful language, the RISING TO TALK ABOUT WHAT AMERICA CAN ACHIEVE, the softening to relate an anecdote of a meeting with an old woman.

The rueful acknowledgment that the road ahead won’t be easy and we all want different things and finally the strident ENDING THAT EMPHASISES WE ARE ALL ON A JOURNEY TOGETHER AND WE WILL PREVAIL BECAUSE AMERICA.

When we’ve seen vividly across the world how politicians campaign in poetry and govern in prose, I wonder will any of us appreciate a great speech ever again.

Everybody’s got an opinion now and is not afraid to use it and so is not as awe-struck by anyone’s opinion.

Also, in the minute-by-minute world of commentary, we no longer let speeches sink in. The words are dissected as soon as they are uttered, almost in mid-sentence.

If Twitter was around when Winston Churchill was making his famous “we shall fight them on the beaches” speech in June 1940, there would have been comments like ‘: 0 FACEPALM! – We can’t just fight them on the beaches Winston – we’ll have to fight them everywhere. Oh, there’s more. Soz.’

If speeches are to be a success, there are certain elements that will always be needed.

The first is a voice it needs to have resonance. You can’t be hoarse and consistent mispronunciation of a word will drive everyone — OK, me — mad. You can’t be saying ondly for only, or sangwich or ecksetra etc.

Your voice can’t be too smooth. You can’t talk like you are selling a new shaving solution that will revolutionise the way you think about foam. Also, your accent has to be old-school American. Martin Luther King would have got nowhere if he’d started with: “Soooo you guys, I had this dream last nighhhht and I guess I dunno I was like OMG.”

Look I’ll show you how it’s done. Here’s my great speech.

My fellow Examinarians, I come to you today, not as your leader but as your friend.

We have been through a lot together. When we started out, quantitative easing was a cure for bloated stomach and there was no such phrase as “key learnings”. But the world is changing, and we with it.

A little boy stopped me the other day and asked me, when was I going to settle down and get a proper job. And I looked at him and had no reply. In a way, that little boy is all of you wondering what I do around here. And when I find out, I will tell you.

That is my promise to you.