“Making the case for mothers under siege”

ACCORDING to the results of a British study, mothers are the Chief Instigators of Family Arguments.

Researchers found that in the average family, there are approximately 10 combative episodes a day and mothers are involved in these more often than any other family member. When I read this, my first thought was and last thought still is, no surprises there. I feel compelled, on behalf of all mothers who love their children more than makes sense and whose job is best defined by the principle of service above self, to make a case in their defence.

CASE 1: Mother A had what began as a pleasant chat with her 17-year-old son at 2pm. She was carrying twice her weight in wet washing and he was relaxing in bed. “I had a word with my boss, a couple of days ago, about you getting a summer job in the bar,” she said to him. “He said he’d see what he could do but things are tricky at the moment because of the recession.”

Her son yawned and replied, “Oh, yeah ... I forgot to tell you he phoned me… thanks, Mum.” His mother asked, “Well?” and put down the washing. He told her that her boss had explained that if he was serious about a job, he’d try and work something out for him “or whatever,” her son added.

“What did you say?” she asked, antennae pricking. Her son was texting and a bit distracted. “Umm... oh yeah...” he said, looking at his phone. “I told him that would be great but I have Frisbee practice on Saturdays and Sundays so I couldn’t work weekends.” In the second she assumed he was joking, she also realised he wasn’t and started to look wildly around his bedroom. At this point, her son suddenly lost interest in his phone and sat up. She found what she wanted, which was his Frisbee, ran down stairs and threw it in a satisfying arc over the ditch. Her son was livid. She’s unrepentant.

Jury (me) finds in favour of the defence.

CASE 2: A 16-year-old son heralded his inebriated arrival home at 4am by falling over his drum kit. Mother B admits to having sat bolt upright in bed, eyes wide open with fear, for four hours before she heard the cymbals clash downstairs. She sobbed: “I didn’t know what had happened to him or where he was,” and says her mind had started on a hideous fast-forward setting at midnight; racing through the full spectrum of hideous calamity to death. Only at four, did she find the off-button. “I lost the plot the next morning,” she confessed. “He’s on kitchen wash-up for three weeks.”

Jury (me) finds in favour of the defence.

CASE 3: A 15-year-old daughter came down into the kitchen with a scarf wrapped around her neck in July. “Why are you wearing a scarf?” Mother C asked, “it’s boiling.” Her daughter’s reply was evasive enough to alert her mother. “Let me see your neck,” she said. Her daughter balked. “There’s a love-bite under there, isn’t there?” her mother said. “It’s a hair-straightener burn,” her daughter replied, quick as a pistol shot. Although Mother C was impressed by the speed and plausibility of the lie, this was incidental. “We’ve had the birds and bees chat,” her mother said, “do we need to have it again? Or do we need another kind of chat altogether; the self-respect/pregnancy one? Maybe we should have a chat about how to avoid bumping into hair-straighteners when you go to discos.” Her daughter was affronted by her acerbic tone and therefore rude. Her mother was affronted by her daughter’s rudeness and therefore belligerent. A row broke out, which culminated in her daughter storming off to her bedroom and her mother grounding her for a weekend. “Nothing to do with love bites,” she said. “It was the rudeness that got me.”

Jury (me) finds in favour of the defence.

CASE 4: Wife D has been to the cinema with her husband who is always losing things. They get to the car and find themselves locked out of it. Wife D smokes cigarettes on a street corner for an hour, while her husband retraces his steps to find his keys. She is wearing heels, shortish skirt and tights with a ladder in them; she’s scared that she looks open for business. When he returns with the keys, which he found on top of the Pick ‘n’ Mix she feels her husband is her worst enemy. She tells him. They bicker on the drive home. Wife D says, “I wanted to kill him.”

Jury (me) finds in favour of the defence.

In cases A, B, C and D: Argumentative Mothers v Loved Family Members: jury (me) finds in favour of the mother.