Coming soon: Bad Santa and the evil little elves

OUR new Governor General, Olli Rehn, is coming to town. Unlike Santa Clause, he is carrying a sackful of bad news only. We, apparently, have been really naughty boys and girls.

The Governor has made his cuts list, he’s checked it twice. We are all going to get our own little parcel of misery. When dealing with the Good Santa, there is a consistent correlation between the income of the particular household and the kind of presents he delivers.

In post-Celtic Tiger Ireland, the ‘Santa principle’ is being abandoned. The homes of the naughtiest boys and girls will get the smallest parcels of bad news, but the best boys and girls will get parcels of misery they won’t be able to lift.

Bad Santa’s elves (they are driven mostly in Audis, not Mercs) met in their workshop in Farmleigh last bank holiday Monday. I can barely muster the energy to point out the irony of them meeting on something called a ‘bank holiday’.

The elves, evil little liars, are going about telling the Governor who can ‘cope’ with a big parcel of misery. The naughtiest can’t cope with bad parcels of news; they are “wealth creators” and will throw a tantrum and flee the country if they get a present they don’t like. The good boys and girls, according to the evil elves, have nowhere to run, so they can cope with the ‘front-load’ of bad news parcels.

I hate the evil elves. What the Governor General doesn’t know, or seemingly cares about, is that his list is upside down. Those little devilish elves have played a horrible trick on him. I am clinging to the hope that Governor Rehn is really like the Nice Santa and reads letters from good boys and girls. So, don’t despair, all you good boys and girls out there, get writing?

Letters to the Governor can be sent to The European Commission, Brussels. Unlike letters to the North Pole, yours will get there. Get writing, fast.

Declan Doyle

Lisdowney

Kilkenny