Operation Motormouth may be worth it just for the free porridge

I’M sure there isn’t a word of truth in any of the following. But whatever does happen in 2004, I wish all of you a happy and peaceful new year.

You deserve only the best!

January 2004

THE Irish presidency of the EU begins in a blaze of glory. There is wall-to-wall coverage in the newspapers of European Minister Dick Roche’s keynote address to EU ambassadors, entitled ‘How to condescend to foreigners and people who don’t know what’s good for them.’ However, great offence is taken by the entire Irish media when Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is quoted as saying that he doesn’t want to attend an Irish summit, “because they all eat potatoes and drink whiskey all day long.”

February 2004

Junior Minister Willie O’Dea announces a year-long campaign to improve the image of his native Limerick. Plans include a name-change to Love City, and the minister explains that he is going to employ the full force of his personality in a 12-nation, six-month long speaking tour to persuade the world that all Limerick people are soft, cuddly and sexy. The campaign is a total success, as the city’s image improves dramatically in Mr O’Dea’s absence.

March 2004

The entire cabinet leaves Ireland for the St Patrick’s Day celebrations. Two additional government jets are leased because several ministers have to combine visits to American cities on March 17 with their duties in Cheltenham for the Gold Cup on the following day. A Government spokesperson explains that the 250,000 cost was essential because the Minister for Finance had a major patriotic dilemma, but was prepared to travel through the night to represent Ireland in Chicago and Cheltenham. At home, rumours of an attempted coup spread like wildfire in the absence of the cabinet, but the nation relaxes when it is discovered that it was only former deputy Ray Burke having a few drinks with the lads in the bar. A Government spokesperson explains that he was only offering some legal and tax advice to party colleagues.

April 2004

In a dramatic series of dawn raids, codenamed Operation Motormouth, Minister for Justice Michael McDowell introduces internment. Criminals and subversives of all kinds are rounded up, but in something of a surprise development, so are hundreds of people who disagree with the minister, together with a number who have expressed vaguely left-wing views over the years, and several people who were seen talking to gardaí in the street. Later the same day, Lily’s Bordello nightclub is raided and an ashen-faced Eamon Dunphy is taken into custody. The minister announces that in the interests of democracy he is determined to rid Ireland of all malcontents and critics of the best government the world has ever seen.

May 2004

As the local and European election campaigns hot up, the Government announces that the decentralisation campaign has been a huge success. It is revealed that a higher executive officer and a clerical officer from the footwear imports division of the Department of Enterprise Trade and Employment have taken up residence in Carrick-on-Shannon, and one of them has bought a car from a local garage. “This is only the beginning,” says the Minister for Finance. “More moves like this will revitalise the local economy all over Ireland.”

June 2004

The long-promised reshuffle takes place, and all commentators agree that it is the most radical ever undertaken by Bertie Ahern. Two junior ministers are sacked, and three members of the cabinet are moved sideways. In a major development, Martin Cullen is moved to Health, where he announces a major fund-raising plan to install cigarette machines in hospital corridors. Micheál Martin takes over at the Department of Finance, and immediately announces that he has commissioned 17 different reports into aspects of the Irish economy. “I will be seeking to have them published without delay,” he says, “and I will then be employing a team of consultants to merge the 17 reports into one major one, so that we can take the hard decisions necessary sometime in the next five years.”

July 2004

Junior Minister Tom Parlon announces a series of key government decisions aimed at building on the success of decentralisation. This time, he says, local government will be decentralised. Clonmel is to go to Swinford, Letterkenny to Wexford, and Kilkenny to Navan. “Trust us,” the minister says, “once you get the hang of it, it all makes sense. And the profit on the sale of all the town halls will be used to build 14 new office blocks in Counties Laois and Offaly, as decided by an entirely independent review body.”

August 2004

Attempts are made to get the peace process moving again. Ian Paisley is offered three places in the Senate, but declines when he realises that he will have to take orders from Mary O’Rourke. Tony Blair lets it be known to reporters that he regards the task of winning a third term as a piece of cake, compared to the difficulty of getting Jeffrey Donaldson to agree to anything.

September 2004

To great acclaim, Seamus Brennan rolls out a brand new transport plan. There will be new penalty points for carrying a girlfriend on the bar of your bike, and couriers are to have stabilisers fitted to theirs (their bikes, that is, not their girlfriends). And he announces that the M50 will definitely be completed by 2016, and that the Luas will “definitely” be up and running before the end of the millennium.

October 2004

The book of estimates for 2005 is published. It is hailed by ministers as a radical and reforming document, designed to keep the economic recovery on track. Free travel for pensioners is abolished, and replaced by a new scheme of free travel for high earners, using luxury coaches and executive carriages on the railways. The idea, apparently, is that the high earners will spend more money in each of the destinations they reach, whereas government economists have observed that the pensioners could never afford more than a cup of tea before they went home again.

November 2004

After a mysterious fire in which the new equestrian centre is burned to the ground, the Minister for Finance announces that the new national stadium is to be built on the site. Although it will be capable of accommodating all field sports, as a cost-saving measure, and to minimise traffic and security issues, there will be no spectator seating. Instead all events in the stadium will be piped on closed-circuit television to selected pubs in Naas, Newbridge, and Drumcondra. People who accuse the Government of a stroke are dismissed as anti-Irish begrudgers.

December 2004

Micheál Martin’s first budget is introduced. Hailed as a pro-enterprise measure, designed to encourage people back to work, it includes a new single tax rate of 15%. All social welfare is abolished to pay for the measure, but the minister for social welfare announces that free porridge will be delivered to pensioners throughout the winter months, and that voluntary agencies will be encouraged to collect used woolly jumpers for poorer children. In the Government’s post-budget broadcast, the Taoiseach confirms that the porridge and jumpers strategy gives the lie to anyone who thinks his is a right-wing government.