Let’s hope it’s not a case of Fáilte Towers

ALREADY downgraded from a budget to just an initiative, in truth it was more like the Jedward Jobs Package because they are trying to make very little stretch an awfully long way.

As the Taoiseach and Tánaiste appeared on the steps of Government Buildings it looked like rain — but unfortunately it was never threatening to rain jobs.

While the two leaders explained that the disaster-laden legacy of the last government and the iron grip of the IMF had conspired to tie their hands, a loud quaking sound could be heard in the background.

Contrary to initial fears, it was not newly-appointed Fianna Fáil jobs spokesperson Willie O’Dea making the racket after busting through the security cordon, but rather a noisy duck which had waddled into the compound and taken up residence in the ornamental pond.

Indeed, any confusion between the duck and Mr O’Dea was soon dispelled as, unlike the FF jobs spokesperson attacking the initiative in the Dáil, the duck did not look out of its depth.

Enda Kenny seemed thrown by questioning about exactly how many jobs would be created, insisting ministers would give “the details about the details” later as he and Eamon Gilmore appeared to pin all hopes of national recovery on the two of them acting as good tour hosts for the impending “double visit” of Barack Obama and Queen Elizabeth.

An awful lot seems to be riding on good global publicity from those trips revitalising the hospitality industry, so we’d better hope Eamon and Enda don’t come across like Basil Fawlty and Manuel in their own version of Fáilte Towers.

But grumpy old People Before Profit TD Richard Boyd Barrett was not happy about the plans as he railed about the money being “wasted” on the visits, insisting in the Dáil it would be a lot cheaper if the Taoiseach just telephoned President Obama if he really needed to speak to him.

Good idea Richard, and maybe we could all chip-in so Enda doesn’t run out of coins in the phone box when he puts the call into the White House — that really would be a national embarrassment. Or maybe they could just be pen-pals — that would be cheaper still?

And as for Queen Elizabeth — despite the fact that when she visits she’ll be one of the few people in Government Buildings posher than Boyd-Barrett — why don’t we do away with the Farmleigh stay and stick her in one of those €29 a night zombie hotels to save a bit of cash? Well, probably because then she might not feel like slipping us the £4.2 billion (€4.77bn) she’s bringing us in her handbag so we can afford to keep the hospital lights on.

Unlike actual jobs, Cabinet ministers were coming thick and fast all day, indeed at one point they were hitting the Government press centre in waves — if you missed the big ticket 6.15pm show featuring the Taoiseach and Tánaiste, you could still catch the 6.30pm performance by Joan Burton, Ruairi Quinn, Leo Varadkar and Richard Bruton — not so much the Four Tenors, more the Four Tenners, because about 40 quid was all they had between them to create jobs with after the IMF boys had butted in and slapped the financial hand-cuffs on.

Finally, Michael Noonan and Brendan Howlin — who act as the rather haughty for haughty’s sake Dual Monarchy of the segregated Finance Department — burst on stage at 7.30pm to bring the curtain down.

Metaphorically speaking, the lack of cash available may have seen them walk naked into the jobs creation arena, but in reality they were all nattily turned out which is a lot more than could be said for their detractors back in the Dáil.

Gerry Adams took his hands out of his pockets only to roll-up his shirt sleeves as he was actually addressing the Taoiseach in Leaders’ Questions, while Mick Wallace appeared to believe onlookers would be thrilled to see the chest hair exposed by his wide open polo shirt, and Luke “Ming” Flanagan’s jeans were so loose that at one point he tripped over them going up the chamber steps.

Someone in authority really should have a word with these guys and remind them it might be better to look more like deputies in the national parliament, not deadbeats in the local dishco (CORR). Certainly, Adams and Wallace were showing far too much flesh: cover up boys — this isn’t Vegas and you’re not The Chippendales.

Plenty of other people — about 440,000 on the dole queues that are unlikely to be heavily dented by this initiative to be precise — would be delighted to have your job (especially your salary) if you really can’t be bothered to dress the part.