McGuinness in a lather over TV soap pubs

NORTHERN politics often has the qualities of a soap opera but Martin McGuinness for one is not a fan.

So disgusted is Sinn Féin’s main man in Stormont by the antics of Albert Square’s Eastenders and the locals of Coronation Street, that he wants to shut down their respective watering holes.

At least he believes the Queen Vic and the Rovers should be barred from pulling pints before 9pm so that younger viewers are not corrupted by the boisterous behaviour on display.

McGuinness, one would have thought, was not of the easily shocked variety, but not even 30 years of war could have prepared him for the jolt he got on his own sofa when he joined his family for telly time.

“I’m not a fan of Eastenders or Coronation Street but my wife and children watch the programmes and I am absolutely appalled at the level of concentration around the pub and the drunkenness that is quite clear for everybody to see — and all that before the nine o’clock watershed when children are watching,” he railed.

Perhaps remembering that many Northern voters would happily clink glasses with their soap idols if interactive television ever advances that far, he swiftly switched emphasis away from Peggy, Liz & Co and focused on the TV bosses.

“I regard that as irresponsible broadcasting,” he scolded.

Martin looked at his fellow British-Irish Council members as if waiting for a “hear, hear” but despite all their talk of being at one on the evils attacking society in their respective islands and provinces, there was silence.

He was rescued by Wales First Minister, Rhodri Morgan. “If one part of these islands had discovered the trick of converting a binge-drinking country into a supping culture, we would be able to share that,” he offered politely.

And so the Queen Vic and the Rovers were saved from conversion to teashops and smoothie bars. It’s just as well — Stormont the Soap Opera is enough to drive anyone to drink.