Enda the Contender shows he has what it takes

LIKE a blond Robbie Williams wired into the national grid, the Fine Gael leader burst onto the floodlit stage of his party’s ard fheis screaming: “Come on! Let me Enda-tain you!”

Er, well, no he didn’treally but he was trying very, very, hard to be slightly less dull than usual.

We were even treated to the thrill of Enda: The Movie, a big screen video in which we glimpsed Mr Kenny at home (without a tie on!), marvelled at his impression of Muhammed Ali (you had to be there) and learned how he swept his wife to be off her feet when they met in Leinster House (“he was always very friendly in the corridor ...”)

In the same hall where one week earlier Brash Bertie flashed the cash 53 times in 28 minutes, Enda the Contender offered nothing except his blood, sweat and toil to the people of Ireland. All very laudable but why didn’t anybody tell him how greedy we are?

Enda oozed sincerity and concern with every line, and that’s the real problem with the Blueshirts — why they haven’t won a Dáil election in a quarter of a century, they are just too, well, nice.

It would be grossly unfair to dismiss Fine Gael as merely a bunch of rich plutocrat farmers and Southside Johnnies but, then, when has politics ever been fair?

Fianna Fáil in opposition would attack with the zeal of a pack of half-starved rabid dogs. But the Fine Gaelers just sit there looking mildly disappointed and fiddling with their Rolexes.

“It’s sooo unfair,” they fume, like a Blackrock party girl who has just been told she can’t bring her favourite pony to Gstaad this year. “Fianna Fáil have been in power for, like, forever, OK? Oh my God! It’s, like, our turn, right?”

Forget Enda’s Contract for a Better Ireland, it’s the four-point Victim’s Charter unveiled at the ard fheis that tells you all you need to know about Fine Gael and the likely result of the looming election.

Because one thing the Blueshirts really understand is suffering and victimhood — after all they have been victims of the electoral process, and their failure to master it, these past 25 years.

If Fine Gael tried to put the charter’s proposals into practice after the Dáil seats are tallied up in May, the outcome would be something like this.

Point One of the charter states: Victims will be kept updated about the case against their alleged perpetrator: Easy, Bertie bought the election.

Point Two: Victims can enter a plea of prosecution against the perpetrator: Bertie bought the election.

Point Three: Victims will be entitled to compensation from criminals for their injuries: Sorry, no money left, Bertie bought the election.

Point Four: Victims are entitled to restorative justice in which they make the accused aware of their actions as this is proven to reduce the rate of re-offending: Another five years on the opposition benches telling Bertie he bought the election — until Brian buys the one in 2012.

Mr Kenny’s well-crafted, though slowly delivered speech, threw the previous week’s Fianna Fáil cash-for-votes fest into shallow contrast.

Mr Kenny left the stage having made it clear to Ireland he does have what it takes to be the alternate Taoiseach. Whether the electorate bought it, or whether Fianna Fáil has already bought the electorate, remains to be seen.