Hillsborough prepares to welcome royalty after seeing off the riff-raff

NOW that the white trash have gone back to the White House and Whitehall, Hillsborough Castle will again host some proper dignitaries.

The arrival of Princess Anne yesterday will doubtless be more welcome with the locals in the genteel village of Hillsborough than George W Bush, and Tony Blair and all their pals. With its freshly-cut grass, Presbyterian Church, Masonic Hall and Church of Ireland chape the predominantly Protestant village seems as though it was transplanted from Middle England to Northern Ireland.

As soon as the President and PM had departed the castle, courtiers started getting it ready for royalty by moving the throne back to its usual spot. The troops who emerged from patrolling the forest around the castle were a long way from Baghdad or Basra, and probably wished they were on the attack in Iraq rather than defending the VIP guests from any menace emerging from the trees.

Earlier in the day, the Throne Room had been the scene of the rather royal backslapping between Mssrs Bush and Blair.

Just in case you didn't know already, Tony Blair is a man of his word, of deep courage and steady conviction who is admired by the people of the United States, according to Mr Bush.

"America has no finer ally than the UK," he said.

Putting forward a united front on all aspects of the war summit, including the future of Iraq, the Middle East and Northern Ireland, Mr Blair lapped up the accolades.

"I agree with all that, as you would expect," he said after a Bush missive.

At least the patience of the locals was not tested too much by the media hordes, as the village was closed off to them.

In fact, the eyes of the world were not so much on Belfast or Hillsborough for the past two days, but rather on the car park of the Sprucefield Shopping Centre, just off the M1, where the authorities had located the satellite vans and anchormen.

Appropriately, the highly-impressive car park was flanked by two bastions of American and British business culture McDonald's and Marks and Spencers.

Greeting the foreign corps as he arrived to say a few words, Gerry Adams broke into Irish to offer a warm welcome., and

He wasn't expecting the group of pro-war women who arrived to heckle him in their harsh accents with charming messages like "Hey Gerry, you're a hypocrite," and "Why don't ya get the bombs out of Ulster?"

But the women with placards reading stating "Smash Butcher of Baghdad's regime, support the war" were not the only colourful characters wandering around looking for attention.

Dressed in a céilí dancing kilt with an Israeli flag on the front, green jacket and socks, Father Neil Horan was doing his peace dance with a sign saying: "The Bible says: War Is Sent By God".

Originally from Scartaglin, Co Kerry, the London-based priest is now prophesying the Second Coming and the setting up of a new World Government.

Wondering aloud why so many cameras were based in the obscure car park, one local woman queried: "Is Bush coming to McDonald's?"

No, he wasn't, but you'd never know, perhaps Princess Anne fancies a Big Mac Meal and McFlurry while she's in the area.