TDs want Pygmalion-like transformation

COMING soon to a constituency clinic near you: “My Fair TD.”

In a new adaptation of George Bernard Shaw's classic tale Pygmalion, ambitious phonetics and etiquette lecturer Professor Mary Hanafin takes on the implausible task of turning local TD 'Lies Doolittle' into an articulate and cultured gentleman.

Fianna Fáil's backbenchers are casting off their image as an uncouth and rambunctious gaggle. Now the cosmopolitan crew are broadening their horizons through languages classes in Irish and French.

Following the glorious embrace of European enlightenment in the Nice Treaty and to facilitate all the politicians heading to Brussels on a regular basis for the Convention on Europe, the Council of Europe and the Organisation for Security and Co-operation in Europe, the French classes are in big demand.

After philosophically establishing last week that FF is even more left than left-of-centre, the grassroots glitterati obviously fancy their chances of taking on the intellectual elite of the West Bank in Paris.

Under the strict supervision of Headmistress Hanafin, in the New Year the developing deputies will embark on an eight-week refresher course in Irish and beginner classes in French. Parish pump politics automatically came into the equation, though, as a row has broken out over whether the classes will feature Munster or Donegal Gaeilge.

"Quite a number would have good Irish but might not feel competent to conduct a conversation," arsa An Príomh Fuip.

The former teacher of leaving cert Irish has vowed to set the end of term exam but won't release the results under the Freedom of Information Act.

Just to help Miss Hanafin along, we suggest the first lesson should feature vital everyday language phrases: "Cé mhéad don uisce beatha, poitín agus tabac sin? Chuir sias iad ar mo chúntas."

- "Il fait combien, le whisky, le cognac et les cigares? Mettez-les sur mon compte."

Unfortunately, Madame Le Fouet-en-Chef (Whip) said there are no plans to introduce English or Maths on the curriculum, presumably much to the chagrin of Bertie Ahern and Charlie McCreevy.