Volvo XC-90 R-Design is a cultural revolution
Oh, and they saved Volvo.
Of all the things they have done saving Volvo could well be the clincher in marking down Chinese achievement across the ages. It will, I confidently predict, rank highly as one of the very best things which one of the world’s greatest civilisations generously gave to the rest of us.
I mean, think about it. How important will printing, or the coffin or noodles be in thousands of years time when the Sino-Swedish co-operative runs the galaxy and provides intergalactically conjoined nations with the ability to transport themselves, communicate, eat and survive in hostile atmospheres? Not very, I think, is the answer.
Yes, I see a big future for Volvo — and the Chinese, of course. The invention of the three-point seat belt by Nils Bohlin for Volvo in 1959 was the start of the Swedish bid for world domination with the car maker, along with compatriot manufacturer Saab, showing the Swedes to be hell-bent on saving us from ourselves. Ultimately they would need the assistance of the comrades in the People’s Republic of China to help fulfil their socialist vision.
To be fair, there was a hiccup along the way when Saab went bust in 2011 after its duplicitous Yankee owners at General Motors refused to see the future and sell out to the Chinese.
And, there was very nearly another disaster when it looked like Ford — potentially even more treacherous two-faced capitalist running dog lackeys than GM — might allow Volvo go down the river without a Chinese-invented oar; or a rudder even, which they invented as well.
Ford saw sense, however, and sold out to the Chinese, saving Volvo and creating what will become — you wait and see — one of the greatest manufacturing conglomerates since, well, God.
Of course you have to start small with such matters, and in Volvo’s case, history will show that what will undoubtedly become one of the most powerful influences in all our lives, started with an SUV. Not just any SUV, but the XC90 — a car which we have already tried and conferred greatness upon.
This week we test the R-Design version of the car — a model variant which not only underlines the enormity of the Sino-Swedish vision, but points us towards a future where those giants of humanity will cosset us with a fraternal arm around our collective shoulders as we comrades march together towards invincibility.
And invincible we will be. What with a raft of safety systems such as ‘City Safety’ (which includes pedestrian and cyclist detection and front collision warning with full auto brake), or ‘Driver Alert Control’ (incorporating lane departure warning/ road sign information display/dual stage driver and passenger airbags) and stuff like SIPS and WHIPS, of course we will be indomitable.
Throw in ‘Vehicle Deceleration Control’ (incorporating ABS, EBD and EBA and ‘Stability and Traction Control’ (including spin control, engine drag control and corner traction control) and we will be damn-well indestructible. Like the mighty People’s Republic itself, no less.
Truth be told no honest-to-God bourgeois traitor can any longer afford to be without these wonderful things unless they want to die an appalling death at the altar of callous consumerism. And so the Chinese and their Swedish allies will eventually stomp out all those who discriminate against the international proletariat — ie, Mercedes, BMW, Audi and the rest of that disgraced materialistic rabble.
Of course the counter-revolutionary Germans at BMW did come up with the X5 SUV, which at the time created a new high water mark for the genre, providing owners with a remarkably car-like driving experience, but the new socialist alliance has created something which damns those imperialistic lickspittles to eternal punishment. Or, put simply, they’ve gone one better.
Ok, so they haven’t quite cracked the polluting end of things as the XC90 still uses conventional diesel motivation — a two litre turbodiesel 225 bhp combined with an eight speed auto ’box — but it is damn clean by Chinese standards, so that’s a good starting point. Intergalactic domination doesn’t happen overnight, you know.
The R-Design does add a lot of comfort touches, which do not sit particularly well with some of our comrade brethren on the Politburo. They would prefer to have seen wooden benches with a nice woven flax covering (keeps the boys out in the fields happy), but the comrades do see that the leather-faced upholstery, fancy-dan floor mats, 2-zone electronic climate control, electric driver and passenger seat (with memory) and seven seat arrangement is the way to go.
In fairness, given their general antipathy towards freedom of speech and modern day electronic communication, they had a lot to swallow with the likes of the 9” touch screen which has voice activated control, DAB radio, Bluetooth and what’s called ‘Sensus Connect’ which allows access to a range of web apps and an internet browser.
But swallow they did in the interests of the international socialist ideal and the future greatness of the moral values which drive them daily. Well, in fact for most of them a fleet of Volvos drives them daily, but that’s only as it should be. The hope being, of course, that fleets of Volvos will soon drive the world daily.
What we have here then, as I hope I have clearly illustrated, is the not the final nail in the coffin of capitalism —just the first one. The idea that the western bourgeoisie can be suckered into a world domineering ideal without even knowing it, is a masterpiece of communist thinking of which past great Chinese leaders — even the Chairman himself — would be proud. China has already seen the ‘Great Leap Forward’ and the ‘Cultural Revolution,’ but the rest of you western imperialistic lackeys have not, so you better get ready.
To join this unstoppable social upheaval, simply get quickly to your local Volvo dealer, order an XC90 — even the ultra materialistic R-Design version — and party on down comfortable in the knowledge you are no longer just a cog in the capitalist wheel, you are now part of the socialist commonwealth. You are the revolution.
COLLEY’S VERDICT
from €63,450 - €83,227 as tested.
a politically correct turbodiesel.
just as well the Politburo didn’t get their way.
Arise Comrades, revolution is in the air.
