Sex File: Is it normal to be too busy for sex? 

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I often tell my husband that I'm too busy for sex. We've got two young children and my work is very time-consuming. I'm pretty sure I still fancy him, but our sex life takes a back seat. Is it bad that it's far down our list of priorities or is this normal?

It is not unusual for a mother of two small kids to feel this way. Although the dial has shifted a bit in recent years, countless studies show that mothers, whether they work or not, do most of the childcare and domestic drudgery. Of course, it is not the case in all relationships, but if your constant busyness is partly related to the fact that you do the bulk of the labour, it's no surprise that you have so little desire to have sex.

Unless a couple is able to address these issues when they decide to have children, what often happens is that women take overall responsibility for the children, men get marginalised, and the unspoken resentment that this causes can leach into every aspect of a couple's relationship. This sort of resentment causes a couple to become increasingly distant and inevitably results in less sex.

You may blame tiredness and having too much to do, but is it really that? Could it be the case that, in fact, you are feeling misunderstood? He may be feeling rejected. It's extremely hard to articulate those feelings in a way that the other person can hear. Because the common consensus is that it is normal for things to be a bit tricky when you are parenting small children, most couples who find themselves in this situation do nothing. And it really is normal. 

In 2019 James McNulty, Jessica Maxwell and Andrea Meltzer at Florida State University, and the well-known Roy Baumeister from the University of Queensland, published the results of a study that examined changes in sexual desire during marriage and after childbirth. They demonstrated that women's desire declined more steeply over time than men's (which did not decline at all), and that childbirth greatly exacerbated the difference.

The fact that something is normal doesn't make it good, though. The study found that the decline in women's sexual desire predicted decline in marital satisfaction for both partners, and the effects held when they controlled for contributing factors such as depression and stress, including the stress of parenthood. So don't let this become the status quo.

There are lots of things you can do to try and resurrect your sexual relationship - date nights, hotel breaks, holidays - but the most important thing you can do is to talk to each other. There is a clear link between communication and intimacy. Although you and your husband are at the stage where you are aware that things are not quite right but probably don't feel that anything is terribly wrong, I would urge you to take action now.

If you can't talk to each other, talk to a counsellor. If you and your husband can learn how to do that now, you will save yourselves a lot of heartache later.

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