Bernard O'Shea: A frustrated middle-aged wife writes... and I respond

In which our columnist turns Agony Uncle for the day, and addresses a woman's issues with her annoying husband

The woman writes: 'We’re in our forties. We've had our ups and downs, like any relationship. However, recently my husband has been acting odd, and I don’t know what to do.' Picture: iStock

This week, I took a break from my usual column, because I was sent a letter by a frustrated woman about her husband. (Note: This letter may or may not exist; it’s really up to you if you want to believe it or not.)

Dear Bernard,

I’ve been happily married for 15 years now. We’re both in our 40s. We’ve had our ups and downs, like any relationship, and, along the way, we’ve had three beautiful, healthy children. However, recently my husband has been acting odd, and I don’t know what to do. Three incidents have really caught me off guard.

Firstly, he won’t stop talking about solar panels. No matter how much I tell him, "I don’t care, do what you want," he won’t shut up about them. It’s gotten to the stage where wider family members have noticed, and he literally clears the room at parties.

Secondly, he’s started to breathe out really loudly when he sits down, and then he does a massive sigh, like ‘Aghhhh’. It’s really off-putting and can be heard by anybody within a quarter-mile radius. He then follows it up by saying: "That’s me now for the night." And, thirdly...

One night last week, I could hear odd noises coming from downstairs. I slowly walked into the kitchen, as I was afraid it could be a burglar. There he was, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and socks, holding a golf club. He was practising his swing while the rest of us were asleep. Apparently, it’s been happening ever since he heard about the Ryder Cup going to Adare Manor a few years ago. 

I’m at my wits’ end and don’t know what to do. I feel like nobody cares; I’m just hoping Bernard cares.

Yours,

Sandy from Sandyford

Hey, Sandy,

Firstly, I do care.

What you are describing is commonly known as MAMS, or Middle-Aged Man Syndrome. It can happen once men hit a particular age.

Along with what you described in your letter, you have probably noticed other things, like him talking about a great pair of shoes he got recently, a great parking spot he got, or the current ownership problems of a random Premier League football team. But let’s deal with the issues at hand.

1. It’s difficult when a loved-one won’t shut up talking about solar panels. There is currently no known cure. However, experts recommend the following: Never ask how much they cost and never ask when they’ll pay for themselves. 

And under absolutely no circumstances say: "Will it really save that much?" This can trigger a conversation of between 45 minutes and three years.

Your loved-one may already be affected, if he has recently used any of the following phrases: "We’re actually exporting back to the grid"; "You should see the app"; "The battery is the real game-changer"; "Obviously, south-facing is ideal"; "We generated 18kWh yesterday."

The best thing to do now is have an intervention. Gather friends and family around your house and tell him how you feel. If that doesn’t work, find another man nearby with the same issue. Set them up on a play date. They will generally wear themselves out talking about it, and he won’t burden you.

2. The big, loud sigh into the chair is very common with MAMS. Most believe this is associated with the natural ageing process, but that’s wrong. It’s not the sigh, but the follow-up of him saying: "That’s me now for the night."

A study involving over one million women, done by a big university (I can’t find the study, but I’m sure it’s somewhere), showed we cannot look at our long-term partner sitting down. 

Some researchers (I can’t find the exact researchers, but I’m sure their work is somewhere) believe it goes back to our hunter-gatherer days, when the family unit could starve if they weren’t constantly looking for food. "That’s me now for the night" is a clear signal he’s not getting up again to do random jobs for no reason.

The easiest and best fix is to take all the seats out of your house and burn them. That way, it never happens again. If he then reverts to sitting on the floor, burn the floor.

3. Finally, the golf. Most humans on the planet know it is a stupid game. However, golf, unlike most sports, doesn’t discriminate against your sporting daydreams, no matter how ridiculous they are. 

For example, Cristiano Ronaldo still harbours dreams of playing soccer at the highest level. He has taken extreme care of his body and is unbelievably fit for a man his age, but he cannot compete anymore.

However, golf plays tricks on men in their 40s; they still believe that if they can perfect their swing, they could compete with Rory and Shane and ultimately become their best friends.

Unfortunately for your husband and for thousands of other men like him, this is not going to happen. My advice is to let this one go. It’s his dream, and the last thing we want to do is shatter a person’s dream. If you can’t let it slip, I’d buy a cheap angle grinder in Lidl and cut off the tops of all his clubs.

Hopefully, that answers all your questions, Sandy from Sandyford, and remember: Bernard cares.