Bernard O'Shea: Please, I beg you, do not mention Christmas

My wife calls me Scrooge. I just want Halloween to get a fair chance

'I’m not trying to cancel Christmas. I’m trying to stop it taking over so much of the year that by December I’m already sick of it.' Picture: iStock

My wife calls me Scrooge. She’s portrayed me as some devious Christmas killer.

Her go-to argument is that she constantly berates me for hating the decorations. That’s fair, because I do. In fact, many people do.

I’m a member of the ADM, the Anti-Decorations Movement. It’s a secret organisation for people who hate decorations in their houses. At our last meeting, one member said their partner loves decorations but doesn’t want to put them up or take them down. 

They then blamed everyone for not getting into the Christmas spirit because they essentially couldn’t be arsed to do the “spirit” bit themselves. Most members agreed, and we moved to stop helping those who want decorations but don’t want the hassle of decorating.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a Christmas tree and a few bits of tinsel, but that’s where it stops for me and most of our members.

I had to leave the ADM meeting early, as I’m a founding member of another secret organisation: the NCBN — No Christmas Before November movement. We formed organically in a well-known supermarket last September when we saw boxes of Celebrations, Roses, and Heroes on a dedicated aisle, knowingly placed to get people stocking up for the big day… FOUR MONTHS AWAY.

Our work hasn’t gone unnoticed. The NBTSBA, the No Back To School Before August organisation, has approached us in secret to join forces — as has the NEEIJ No Easter Eggs In January brigade. However, I’m not entirely sure about the NEEIJ; they seem to make up silly rules for no reason.

The movement closest to my heart is the NCBN. At the moment, we have only three members, but we hope to grow once we submit our proclamation to the people of Ireland. It is as follows:

We, the members of the No Christmas Before November organisation, plead with the people of Ireland and our Government to immediately implement the following, make it law, and enforce it by all means necessary.

1: No Christmas-related items on any shelf in any shop before November 1. Any shop caught doing so will be closed immediately.

2: No Christmas music to be played in any public space before November. Anyone humming Last Christmas or Fairy Tale Of New York should be reported to a member of An Garda Síochána, but they should be left off with a small fine and a warning, as they are exceptionally good songs in their own right.

3: Anyone placing reindeer horns on their car before November shall have their cars taken off them until January. Also, anyone who still has them on their car after the eighth day of the new year shall be forced to wear the horns on their own head and marched through the town with the crowds shouting “shame, shame, shame” (see Game of Thrones for reference)

4: Any establishment that dresses up its window with spray snow or any effect of decoration before November 1 shall also be closed immediately. This applies to pubs, hairdressers, betting shops, pet stores, and barbers.

5: Any dog wearing Christmas jumpers or mini Rudolf outfits before November shall have their owners sentenced to picking stones in a nearby farm for three days. This applies only if the dog likes it, as it is very cute, and only after November 1.

6: Any work colleague discussing the Christmas party before November should be informed to the gardaí. This goes for even casual mentions like “Where should we go for pre-drinks?” “Will we get a DJ?” “We’d need to start booking it now” and “We should stay local because it was a nightmare getting taxis last year”.

7: Any mention of the ‘12 pubs’ before November is an immediate prison sentence of up to 12 days.

8: The wearing of Christmas jumpers, ironically or otherwise, is only allowed from the December 23 onwards and in the privacy of your own home while watching the Late Late Toy Show. Anyone wearing one in public before the 23rd and after January 1 shall join those picking stones in a nearby farm for five days.

9: Any person placing an open box of sweets on a reception desk before November shall be forced to eat all of them in one sitting. This even goes for lemon Season Greetings, which are of the harder variety, and all the Heroes and Celebrations, even ones they don’t like. Under Irish law, any citizen found putting an empty wrapper back in the box must leave the country within 24 hours.

My wife says nobody will join the NCBN because people have better things to do and no one likes me. But that’s exactly the point we’re trying to make. 

People should be enjoying Halloween instead of wondering whether they have enough batteries for the big day, or whether they stock up on drinks now just in case every family member calls round on Christmas Eve. 

I’m not trying to cancel Christmas. I’m trying to stop it taking over so much of the year that by December I’m already sick of it.

Give us October. That’s all we’re asking. Anyway, our next meeting is at a secret location on Thursday. Bring your own biscuits. Apparently, my wife is keeping the tin of Roses for Christmas.