Bernard O'Shea: DIY, rippling abs... just a few ambitions I’ve abandoned

Some dreams are worth chasing. Others are worth quietly shelving forever. Here’s my list of ones I have abandoned.

'Getting those abs? That ship has sailed. My mission has changed. Now I want to safeguard myself against bad falls.'

1: Getting ripped

Remember Peter Andre’s abs? He was the go-to example of peak male body sculpting in my teens.

On nights out, the only lads on the dance floor when Mysterious Girl came on were those who could stand a chance of having abs.

As a side note, the music video showed Peter under a waterfall, getting drenched. The water enhanced his abs even more.

But as a practical midlander, I couldn’t help but think that if he was looking for a Mysterious Girl, the odds of finding her under a waterfall were slim. Also, if you stayed under there longer than a few minutes, you were sure to get a chest infection.

But every year since my late teens, I started and then failed with several missions to get abs. Not get strong or healthy, get those abs.

Then the film Gladiator came along, and the game changed. Not only did you have to be ripped, but you also had to experience controlling a Roman legion and the ability to rip the head off a 7ft tall beast.

So why give up now? Well, my mission has changed. Now I want to safeguard myself against bad falls.

My mother is obsessed with people who take ‘bad falls’. She said to me last year: “You’re only a few years off your first bad fall yourself, Bernard.”

She wasn’t wrong. I fell and hurt my ankle badly on the street last year. I slipped on a metal grate, mostly because of the slippery soles on my shoes and because I was on my phone. A man 30 years my senior helped me to a doorway.

That night, after leaving a walk-in clinic, I felt not necessarily old, but weak. 

The last thing on my mind that night was getting ripped. It was more about recovery and when I could walk straight again.

I’m lucky I have an excellent PT near me, and we did a few weeks of strengthening work, so getting those abs? That ship has sailed. To continue the naval theme, I want to anchor my boat steadily in the harbour.

2: Becoming a DIY god

I suffer from LBS (Lazy Bollocks Syndrome). It’s a real thing. The symptoms are as follows...

I’ll get the urge to fix something in the house. I’ll first try with some cutlery, then realise I need tools. I’ll find something that resembles a spanner and try again. I’ll slowly realise that I’ve made it worse and should have just left it alone.

Then, instead of actively trying to find or source a person who can fix it, I’ll ignore it and file it into the back of my head under the title ‘It’s always been like that’. 

Then my wife will point out exactly what happened, with Jessica Fletcher-type precision, lay out in absolute detail what I did, and leave it for the world to see. Then she proclaims with great authority that I do indeed suffer from LBS.

I keep on scouring the internet for DIY courses because I want to become that ‘handy’ guy. 

Handy guys are at the top of the tree, while us small-handed, lily-livered folk can only scream up at them, begging for help.

But it’s the ‘Y’ bit of DIY that I’ve really given up on. Maybe it’s the LBS, or maybe it’s just me, but I don’t want to do it myself. I’m not handy; I’m not good at fixing things; there are people in the world who are.

So I’m firmly in favour of GSE — Get Someone Else. That way I’m contributing to the economy, and it actually gets done, not to mention bringing down the instances where my LBS can flare up. 

It’s a win-win.

3: Doing something big

Climbing Everest, running a marathon, doing the Camino, or skydiving, I’ve given up on doing something big.

What’s more, I don’t find the stories of people who do these big life things inspirational anymore. I think that it’s their hobby and something they wanted to do.

I want to watch the entire series of Game Of Thrones all over again while eating a six-pack of Tunnock’s tea cakes per episode. It’s not ‘something big’, but it factually is ‘something’.

Also, I’m not a ‘doing something big’ person. I’ve never felt the urge to achieve great things. 

I’ll defend this position as not someone who has a lack of ambition, but a brutal and possibly shameful honesty that all I’ve ever really wanted to do in life is sit in a room and watch telly.

I used to think giving up was a terrible character flaw. Now I think it might be one of the main benefits of getting older.

There’s enormous freedom in admitting you don’t actually want the six-pack, the summit of Everest, or the ability to rewire your own house.

I’ve spent years hanging around with ambitions I never really wanted. So I’m letting them go. I’ll stay reasonably strong, pay someone who owns a proper toolbox, and happily watch other people climb mountains on television.