Dear Dáithí: My friend dotes on his grandchildren... but now he’s being accused of favouritism

My neighbour told me he felt pressured to make sure that, not only are the gifts he gets his grandchildren equal in monetary value, but that they all need to be similar in size and in how personal they are

Grandparents have a great knack in knowing what the grandchildren want... one reason being is that they will tell them straight out, something they wouldn't tell their mom and dad.

Dear Dáithí, 

My neighbour, and good friend of many years, has three grown-up children and eight grandchildren.

His grandchildren are the absolute apple of his eye. He dotes on them and is incredibly proud of them all. He’s always regaling us with tales about their adventures or funny things they’ve said. They all visit fairly regularly. Some live nearby, and he minds them some afternoons, so they are probably there a bit more often.

I was taken aback last week when he told me he would have to get the thinking cap on soon when it comes to Christmas presents for his grandchildren so his daughters wouldn’t be put out. 

I had to ask him what he meant — was he looking for something in particular or did he have to source something unusual? I was somewhat surprised when he told me he felt pressured to make sure that not only was each gift for his eight grandchildren equal in monetary value, but they all needed to be similar in size and in how personal they were. 

Apparently, one of his daughters felt less effort was put into the presents he chose for her children last year.

Now, I know what I’d have told her if she was my daughter. And you can be sure I wouldn’t be changing anything for her. But my poor neighbour is very upset about the whole thing and is very worried about being seen to favour one set of grandchildren over the next.

He said he used to take one of the youngest for a sandwich and maybe a cake in a coffee shop after picking them up from preschool on a Friday, but has put a stop to that as that same daughter thought he was showing favouritism over the rest when he didn’t take them for a sandwich.

My own grandparents would have given us all little treats or things when we were small... nothing big, maybe a biscuit or a bit of chocolate, but we would never have compared that to our cousins. This seems ridiculous to me.

There are a few things here to consider. First of all, we have a grandad who loves his grandchildren, and not alone that, but he shows them what they mean to him. I love that word ‘dote’, and this lovely grandad does this with all of them. 

Yes, he buys them presents, but more importantly he spends time with them, helping out his own children, and I’d imagine he gets more out of it than any of them. That’s what great grandads do, and the only real pay-off for them is to go and tell stories to their friends about how great the grandchildren are, and that’s exactly what this man takes pride in. He’s like a grandad from a Hollywood movie that you’d see at Christmas.

Now, the fact this man is ahead of the game already and thinking of Christmas, I’d say fair play to him. I think it shows how seriously he takes this job of buying Christmas presents for all the gang, even though there is pressure on him. Granddads are very organised people. 

I do think Christmas time is most special between these two groups; it’s a time when the parents in the middle need to step aside and let them at it, and that comes to the presents part too. Grandparents have a great knack in knowing what the grandchildren want... one reason being is that they will tell them straight out, something they wouldn’t tell their mom and dad.

What this man’s daughter is doing to him is so wrong; she is being childish and is way out of line here. What her dad gets for any of his grandkids has nothing at all in this world to do with her, or anyone else for that matter; it’s between the child and him.

Why would she even think this? Well, the only reason I can think of is that her own little Johnny wasn’t happy with his present last year. His cousin might have gotten something that was a little bigger, and he went to his mother giving out and she didn’t want to be listening to this again this coming year. That’s the only reason I can think of why she would say this.

I’d be the same as you, I’d have told her to feck off and mind her own business, but this poor man didn’t do that. It’s a lot easier to deal with that in the moment, and now it’s going to be a bit thorny to bring it up again.

Two things can happen here — he can go and make sure every present is the same or he can have a word with her and say: "Look, I had a think about what you said and it’s really none of your business, and go away."

The good news for all of us who want a bit of justice here is that he has confided in you, so everyone who is reading this wants you to do something about this. You can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do, but you can highlight how crazy his daughter’s remarks are and they are not what a daughter should be saying.

What she has done here is take the good out of a lovely and generous act, and now her poor father is afraid of upsetting all the children in a situation he did not cause. And that’s only the Christmas part of this story.

Is there any sight nicer than a grandad and grandchild going for cake after preschool? Lord Jesus, this was the last straw for me with this letter. The daughter has really gotten into his head, and he has now "put a stop" to this because of his daughter’s actions and comments. I can even hear you reading this, screaming at the page just like me.

The more I think of it, maybe this is not about the grandchild at all and more about the daughter and how she might be the one looking for attention.

Maybe she didn’t get the doll she was looking for when she was a child; I don’t know, but this was all just too crazy for me, and I hate seeing older people being treated like this.

So, yes, I think you should speak to this man about what happened and reassure him he has done nothing wrong and he should buy whatever presents he wants for the children. Then tell him to let all the grandchildren know that all the presents come with love and to go and enjoy them. 

His present to that one daughter is that she can relocate the grace her parents gave to her years ago and see how that size fits her!