Dear Daithí: Our granddaughter’s new life has left us, her family, behind

Dear Dáithí: "My beautiful granddaughter seems to want nothing to do with any of us anymore. She doesn't call to me or any of the aunties or even her own mum. I don't want to start an argument with her by telling her how much pain she is causing us all, but I do keep having these imaginary conversations in my head where I lay it all out and get her to see sense."

DEAR Dáithí,

My beautiful granddaughter seems to want nothing to do with any of us anymore. We always were a close family, and myself and my other daughters always went to her gymnastics shows and competitions, and I went to her primary school for grandparents’ day. I loved baking with her.

She went away to study in Poland and contact did drop off a good bit, but we knew she was so busy and were just glad she was having fun — her mum did send on photos and pass on news about her.

She’s been home now for a year since she finished her degree but has barely come near any of us. She has a busy job and a whole set of new friends, and I believe is quite serious with a guy she met on her course. She doesn’t call to me or any of the aunties or even her own mum.

I don’t want to start an argument with her by telling her how much pain she is causing us all, but I do keep having these imaginary conversations in my head where I lay it all out and get her to see sense.

If I did that, she might end up not talking to me but at least it might help her come round and visit her mum more often and that can only be a good thing, right? It upsets me to see my own daughter missing her girl.

It’s almost like she wants a clean break with her ‘old life’ to start afresh with new friends and boyfriend.

I’ve sent her birthday cards with money in them, and I know everyone else in the family has too, but she doesn’t ever even text to say thanks.

I want her to have treats, but I’m also tempted to not send her anything this year and see if that gets through to her. What do you think?

LET’S start off on a positive note. It’s great that you have such great memories from her childhood, baking, and going into school for grandparents’ days.

Whatever is going on now, nobody can take these from you and the fact that these memories are so vivid to you now shows me what they mean to you.

So, your granddaughter headed off to Poland for a year and now there isn’t much contact, if any at all, with her and everyone else in the family.

Now the fact that you all are a close unit, this does send a flare up into the air. On the other hand, she is in her early 20s and is ploughing her own furrow — that’s what some 20-year-olds do. It’s a very exciting time for them to make new friends and start a new life and off they go. We all remember doing this in some way shape or form... but I don’t like the non-contact part of all this and I’ll get back to that later.

Your issue with this is that you feel hurt and might be taking it personally. You feel how you feel, but you should definitely not take it to heart. You have done nothing wrong — all that has happened here is that your granddaughter has forgotten where she comes from and those who were there for her from the start. That’s a big thing for you, but not for her.

But, again, this is what happens in life: She hasn’t betrayed anyone really, she’s just getting on with life.

She has a new boyfriend, they’re probably in love, so don’t take it personally.

Of course, you don’t want to start an argument by telling her that she is hurting people with all of this. More importantly, you shouldn’t even say anything to her about it until you know all the facts; this is paramount!

Because she has stopped chatting to her mom, you really need to find if she is ok, did something happen to her? We don’t know.

For example, if you were to go in all guns blazing and something bad has happened to her and is causing her to act the way she has been, you will feel 100 times worse.

You need to chat with her mother and some of your other daughters too and ask around. The facts are key here. It’s odd that she doesn’t contact her mother so be careful here too — something might have happened between them.

If you get to the stage where you get no extra information from anyone, have the chat with your granddaughter but do so lightly in the beginning. Now there might be nothing at all in the world after happening and she might just want to get on with her new life — and if so, you must accept that.

I’m not sure if telling her how much pain she has caused will do any good. This might heap pressure on her and that doesn’t work in my eyes.

I would tell her how much you miss her though and what a huge part of your life she is and how important she is to you. She might not realise it and when you explain that to her she might see things more clearly. All you are doing here is telling the truth.

Now she should have called or messaged when you sent the birthday cards with the money... but you really can’t say that you are hurt about this because then she might think you were trying to buy her love and that was not the case at all. The way forward with this is the next time you sent a card, your words alone will be enough.

If you want, you can bring her for tea when she starts coming around. And really, it’s her that should be paying for the tea, but I don’t think you’d care about that once you get to hang out together.

Again, I think it’s very important to say that this is a very natural thing when a young person moves away and starts a new life — and, because that can be busy for them, other things have to suffer. Unfortunately for you, it’s you doing the suffering.

Focus on the new life she is creating and be happy for her. Can you imagine if she was at home and not be able to go outside: We have to look at the positives here.

Also, give her time — people usually come around when the gloss has gone off new relationships... and this happens in every relationship. When she does, don’t punish her, let all that go and enjoy the company once again.

And just in case there are gripes there with other people in the family, be her safe place and set yourself apart. Just a quick reminder, the facts are key here!