Dear Dáithí: Should we attend or ignore a 'non-communion party'?

This occasion just doesn’t sit right with us at all. People who don’t get married don’t usually decide to just have a non-wedding party

My daughter and son-in-law are saying it’s not fair my grandson should miss out on a ‘big day’, so they’re actually having a non-communion party for him with new clothes and a pizza party with a bouncy castle and a cake.

D ear Dáithí,

My only grandson is in second class in school, so this year is all about the First Holy Communion as you might guess. But my daughter and her husband are now saying they don’t want him making his communion, as they aren’t happy with how the Vatican has handled terrible problems in the past.

My first issue is that they aren’t giving my grandson a real choice in this. He’s very bright so he’s picked up their comments about ‘historical issues’ and ‘redress payments’, and is giving these as reasons why he’s opting out of this lovely milestone in a Catholic child’s life. But he can’t possibly understand what all that means.

My second issue is that my daughter and son-in-law are saying it’s not fair he should miss out on a ‘big day’, so they’re actually having a non-communion party for him with new clothes and a pizza party with a bouncy castle and a cake.

We’ve always gone to all his birthday parties and always put a good effort into getting him great presents, but this occasion just doesn’t sit right with us, his grandparents, at all. 

People who don’t get married don’t usually decide to just have a non-wedding party, and we don’t have pretend funerals for people as they won’t be aware of what’s happening at their own funeral, so this is nonsense in my mind.

His other grandparents are going to be there, so it will be awkward if we don’t go through. We could attend against our better judgement, or we could talk to our grandson and see if he would opt to have a real communion day.

We could also try to get my very stubborn daughter and her husband to see sense, but I don’t hold out much hope there.  Or we could refuse to have anything to do with this charade, which will be upsetting for us all.

What do you recommend we say or do?

I feel for you on this one, we have Confirmation this year and it has made me think of the young fella’s communion day and what a lovely day it was.

We used it as an opportunity to get the family together. It wasn’t a wild party, even though we did have drink there, and we had it at the house ... so it was a good reason to get the house painted and all that. It’s important to say too that we really liked the Mass and communion part of the day. It did bring memories of my own big day in 1983 back to me.

It sounds like you would like a day like we had, and you are finding it hard to get your head around what’s happening in your family.

To be honest, this is fairly common now for children who don’t have a religion or, like your family, who have a lot of questions and are not happy with what has happened in the past in the Catholic Church. It’s hard to argue against that.

The thing here is that it’s your daughter and her husband’s choice here, not yours or your grandson’s, no matter how wrong you think it is. You probably don’t want to hear that, but that’s the way it is.

Think back to when you had small children. How would you feel if your mother-in-law went against your wishes?

I even wonder if you should say it to them, because they seem to have a very strong opinion on this, and I think they have made their minds up on this already.

Also, your grandson might not be prepared at this late stage — even though, somehow, I think you’d manage to get around that.

Where the conflict really is here is that you both have two different sets of values, you value one thing and your daughter another. Therefore, you have two different sets of priorities. 

Along with this, I think there is a generational aspect at play to add another layer of spice to the whole ordeal

When you have a clever young fella, like your grandson who picks up on everything, I think you really need to be careful with what you say around him. I don’t like these conversations happening when children are around.

They hear things and don’t understand them, they can’t process it, and then they get worried about it, not knowing what ‘it’ is.

It’s hard enough for parents to understand these things, not to mind children! 

I see it with my own fella. He hears everything — unless I want him for something then there is no sign of him ... he gets that from his mother.

I’d imagine that the reason they are going to have a party is that others in his class are doing their communion and having a party, and they don’t want him to be missing out.

I’m with you on this one: You’re not doing your communion, so you’re not getting a party. This would be my thinking of that situation, but that isn’t happening in this case. There is a party, and you should definitely go to the party.

The first reason is that your grandson will really want you there, he loves you, and he will want you to be part of it. That, to me, is enough of a reason any day of the week. By not going, what will you achieve?

Nothing only being lonely and the feeling of being left out. You will put yourself on a rock or an island way out at sea and for what? A disagreement over what two people believe in. Then this whole thing becomes about you and your daughter, and it's not about the main man: Your grandson.

Because you have a strong faith and your daughter doesn’t, I’m not sure that she would like too much of an outside influence on this topic — which I think will annoy you — so tread carefully with this going forward. 

What I’m getting at here is that you could bring a flavor of spirituality into his life by lighting a few candles in the local church when you are out and about with him. This, to me, is a very nice thing to do, and I’m sure he would light a candle for his parents too.

Now, in any conversation you are having with your daughter, please stay away from calling her stubborn and trying to make her see sense. People reading this would be thinking of saying the same thing to you. 

We have established that you are two very different people with different ways of seeing the world.

There is nobody wrong here, even though you both think you’re right. So go to the party and celebrate that beautiful grandson of yours, and what a well-behaved and smart boy he is!