Dear Dáithí: My teenage son feels left out of the new family dynamic

This is a balancing act, but there is only one juggler in this circus, and that is you; and because you’re the only one with all the balls in the air, you feel like you are alone at sea, which is a lonely and cold place.

Dear Dáithí,

I’m feeling completely torn at the moment and would really appreciate your advice. I have a 15-year-old son from a previous relationship, and three-year-old twin daughters with my husband. The twins are gorgeous, but full on, we adore them, but they’re a handful. We have a live-in au pair, which helps, but I still feel stretched thin trying to juggle work, home, and everyone’s needs.

Recently, my husband said, “let’s try for another baby”. Truthfully, I feel our family is full as it is. When my son overheard, he completely lost it. He said if we have another child, he’ll go and live with his dad. He’s been sulking since, and I can tell he’s genuinely upset.

He says he already feels more like a babysitter than a brother. I try to make sure he gets time alone with me, but between work and the chaos of twin toddlers, it’s hard. He does love his sisters and is very sweet with them, but I think he’s struggling to feel like he still has a place in our family dynamic.

My husband feels my son is overreacting, but I can see his point. All his friends are the youngest in their families. I think he’s a bit embarrassed at having a pregnant mum. I was very young when I had him. How can I balance all of this and manage the growing tension (and egos!) in the house without alienating anyone?

Well, now, there is a lot going on here, with a lot of people and a lot of moving parts. When this is the situation, it can be overwhelming and therefore very hard to see a clear way out of it.

This is a balancing act, but there is only one juggler in this circus, and that is you; and because you’re the only one with all the balls in the air, you feel like you are alone at sea, which is a lonely and cold place.

To sort you out, we need to deal with a few other things, and when we do this, it will, I believe, get easier.

Can we deal with your husband’s suggestion first? So, he wants another baby. I think it is clear, even though you don’t say it, that this is not the right time for this. I wonder does he sees what’s happening in the house around him? Surely, he’s not blind to all of this, and he sees the pressure you are under?

He should be asking you if there is anything he could be doing to lighten your load, and what’s happening is that what he is suggesting will probably add to it.

Now we all love when a new baby comes into a house, and it is a very special time, but in this case and with what’s going on — and only you can answer this question — is this the best thing for the family?

You need to say it to your husband that this is not a runner if that’s what you want. You need to know the reality of what’s happening, which brings me to the next part of this.

Your teenage boy needs to know that his mother, more than anyone else in this house, has his back. He might have felt like he was moved to the side when you got married, and when the twins came along, you were all his before this.

You have to make sure that this boy is loved and minded because the way he is reacting is a call for your love. It does sound like there won’t be another child coming, and if this is the case, you tell him that, you make sure he knows what’s going on. Certainty is very important for everyone, especially for a teenager.

I’m sorry, but your husband doesn’t understand what’s going through his mind and needs to stand back a little, maybe. I don’t know if this is the case but is it possible that he could see your son in a different light to the twins because they’re his, if you know what I mean? It probably is just a lack of awareness on his part. But he definitely doesn’t understand what your son going through.

The reality with your son is you probably have him for another two or three years, and then he’ll be gone off to college or to work, so I think now is a very good time to make every minute count with him.

Once he knows for sure what’s happening, and he knows that you’re always there for him, you’ll find him again.

Now onto the twins, in one way, I love the madness that goes with 3-year-olds, but two together, now that’s a job.

I’m going to put the au pair in with these two and ask you what the name of God is the au pair is doing, not a lot by the sounds of it.

The au pair needs to be doing more even if you have to pay her more to do more, just do it. Make out a big list of things for her to do. The twins will be off to preschool next year, and you need to make sure that and having an au pair is all working in your favour.

You need to make it so that when you come home, it’s all play time with the children and relaxation time for you as much as possible; otherwise, you’ll have worked for years, the twins will be off to college, and you’ll be stuck at home with him still asking if you want another baby.

All the problems together seem like a lot and unbearable, but when you break them up and take them apart, they are much more manageable.

For this whole dilemma, I would say that your son is the most important at this moment in time and that is easily fixed. I can’t but feel that he is in a very lonely place for the last while, but do get that certainty around your husband’s desires for a new child.

Just in case I’m wrong and you both do decide to have another child, be honest with your son and explain to him that mom still has the same love for him as always and that will never change.