Dear Dáithí: My future in-laws are freezing me out — what should I do?

Pic: iStock

I’m in love with a wonderful man, and we’ve recently gotten engaged — something I should be celebrating. But instead, I’m feeling lonely and hurt, and it’s all because of how his family treats me.

I’m 34 and my fiance is 25. From the very start, his family seemed uncomfortable with the age gap. I’ve tried to be understanding, maybe it was a surprise to them, maybe they needed time. 

But it’s been nearly two years now, and I still feel like I’m not truly welcome.

It was the little things, and now the big things too. When we visit them, I’m often left out of conversations. If I try to join in, I get polite smiles or awkward silences. 

They don’t ask about my life or work — and I’m not expecting a fanfare, just basic curiosity or kindness.

The final straw came this summer. They’ve organised a big family barbecue — the kind of event I’d usually love to be part of — but they’ve picked the one weekend I’m away for work. 

My fiance told them I’d be gone, so I can’t help but feel this was deliberate. It really stings. It’s like they’re trying to remind me I’m not part of “their” family.

I’ve tried talking to my fiance, but he tends to play it down. He says things like, “That’s just how they are”, or “don’t take it personally”. But it is personal. I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t hurt.

I’m not asking him to cut ties with his family, but I do want him to have my back a bit more. Will it get worse if we get married? Will I always be the outsider?

How do I bring this up without sounding like I’m asking him to pick sides? I love him deeply.

Y'know what, it’s a shame that things are panning out like this. It’s hard enough to meet “wonderful”’ people and especially one you “deeply” love. 

I bet you must be asking yourself, why can’t families just be normal, or at least mind their own business. Well, they are not normal and certainly can butt in, when they are allowed, and can cause a make-or-break situation.

Things need to change in my opinion and if they don’t, you need to cut your losses, because this crap feeling will never leave you.

It’s easy to see where the conflict is coming from on your side. You’ve been placed outside the gang by his family — they are treating you unfairly, they don’t see you on the same level, and an uncertainty has been cast over you by them. 

Additionally, they are controlling your relationship by acting the way they do when they see you.

It’s important for us to challenge such scenarios ourselves to make sure that they are real. 

For example, are you sure they are having a barbecue that weekend because you are working? It’s unclear to me, and perhaps a bit of paranoia on your part might be creeping in. You need to find out for sure.

Even if the barbecue evening doesn’t have anything to do with you, you are totally right, the way they are treating you is crap.

Your fiance is 25 years old, not 15, and answers like “don’t take it personally” and “that’s just how they are” are simply not good enough.

You need to go through the conflict points with him and explain that this is why you are feeling the way you are around his family. 

If he’s giving you vague answers, such as saying he knows what they are like, and he needs to do something about things before it’s too late, I really can’t see you sticking around if the situation doesn’t change. And why would you? You can’t even be yourself.

In one sense, you’re like a caged bird at these family events where people look at you and walk right past. You need to break out and spread your wings to show all your colours. You need to be allowed to be you.

I don’t get why they are having trouble with a nine-year age gap. I’d be a lot more concerned if he were going out with a 17-year-old who was spending all his money and keeping him out drinking seven nights a week.

They should be delighted to have someone like you as his partner.

Your fiance needs to grow a pair and say to his family that they have to smarten up when it comes to the way they treat you. No more of this cold or cool shoulder, he needs to say, “If you disrespect her, you disrespect me”.

He really needs to stand up here, and if he doesn’t do it now, he’ll never do it.

He probably thinks his family will get angry if he says this, but I don’t think so. It’s like the bully in the school yard, once you stand up to him and push back, he’ll go away. 

That’s the same type of behaviour you’re dealing with. So, when he finally stands up to his family, they should start acting normally.

You are 100% right to be thinking ahead about what it would be like if you were to get married. Do you think anything would change if you both got married? 

I’m not so sure it would. You could go from a cranky fiancee to the cranky sister-in-law in their eyes.

That’s why you need to sort it out now, and the sooner the better for your own sake.

I just hope for his sake that things haven’t gone past the point of no return because, sometimes, like now when things are spelt out in front of you, there can be a light-bulb moment when you ask, “What the hell am I doing here and what the hell was I at?”

I hope this brings some clarity, either way. The bottom line is that the situation has to change. I do think you will give him a chance to change things.

We have made it easy for him; we have really pointed the way here. But I also think you’ll move on if he backs away from what needs to be done, and you’d be right to do that.