Dear Dáithí: I'm 50, I feel invisible and stuck. What can I do to start loving life again?

I keep thinking: Is this it? Is this what middle age is meant to feel like?

Dear Dáithí,

I turned 50 this year, and I feel like I’ve suddenly become invisible. My children are grown and off living their own lives — which I’m proud of — but now the house feels quiet in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

My husband and I get on fine, but the spark’s been gone a while, and we mostly talk about bills, the weather, and what’s for dinner. I still work full-time, but even that feels like I’m just going through the motions.

Is this just a phase? Or am I missing something important? The best thing in my life at the moment is my dog: How sad is that?! I feel like she is my best friend. Sometimes. I dream about just booking a ferry ticket with me and the pooch and heading off on an adventure. But I know I wouldn’t do it in a million years. I’m not depressed, exactly — just a bit stuck.

I keep thinking: Is this it? Is this what middle age is meant to feel like? Everyone says to count your blessings, and I do, but I can’t help feeling like the colour’s drained out of life a bit.

Would you believe that I’m 49 this week? I know, I look like I’m 39, but, on the other end of things, when it comes to children, you’ve all the hard work done and you’re now wondering what to do with your spare time and empty house.

I’ll be at least 60 before I can only dream of that, my child being younger, and I’m looking forward to it in one way, while not wishing the years away, but I hope to enjoy that time.

You are, of course, very proud of your children, and you should be of yourself and your husband, too, because it’s job done in one sense.

You and your husband get on fine, but the spark has gone. After getting everyone else sorted, that is a good place to be. I know people who are at this stage and are ready to go in different directions and can’t stand the sight of each other.

This is a twilight zone, a time to stop and think for a while and ask yourself what you want in the next part of your life. You are only 50 years old; long ago that was old, but not anymore. Really, you’re around the halfway mark.

So, you need to plan for the next 30 years. You work full-time. With the children gone now, do you really have to do this? If you go part-time, how will you spend that extra free time? The thought of doing that terrifies some people.

With this free time, will your husband be happy to go exploring with you, or will the dog replace him, again?

I think it’s great that you have a good bond with your dog, but you must ask yourself how this has happened. What I’m asking is: Is there a bigger issue within the relationship with your husband? Is the spark gone away, or is it quenched?

Dáithí Ó Sé: "Would you believe that I’m 49 this week? I know, I look like I’m 39, but, on the other end of things, when it comes to children, you’ve all the hard work done and you’re now wondering what to do with your spare time and empty house."Picture: Domnick Walsh © Eye Focus LTD.

Taking a bit of time out and going on a holiday with your pooch might not be a bad idea at all. It might give you the opportunity to think about what you would like to do without having any of the ‘normal conversations’ about the weather, the bills, and so on as a distraction. You need to break the cycle you are in; stand back from what’s happening and the norm.

This will give you a clearer picture. You might say: ‘What the hell am I doing? I need to do XYZ’, or you might say, ‘Jaysus, I’d better mind what I have and pay more attention, or I might lose it’. Only you will really know what to do.

You are a bit stuck, so you must ‘unstuck’ yourself. In West Kerry terms, you have gone bogging, and when this happens, you need help, because it’s almost impossible to do it alone. You have taken the first step with this letter; now you must move on.

What I’d like you to do is to try to think back to what you did, and really enjoyed, before life came and got in the way. Close your eyes and imagine you are doing something that gives you a feeling of happiness and excitement. Was it music or dancing, maybe, or could it be something as simple as going to the cinema that excited you?

Another thread to pull is to think about the ‘maybes’ in your life. Was there something that you always wanted to do, but just never got around to doing it? Well, that should be your next step.

Even thinking like this will ‘unstuck’ you and get the excitement flowing again. You are not depressed, as you say, which is good news, and I just think you need to clear the fog and drive on.

Up until lately, you have been putting everyone else first, and now it is your time to shine. I think a lot of women reading this will identify with what you are going through. Paul Brady said it in his song, ‘The world is what you make it’, and I believe in that.

Back to the husband. I’d love to know if there is any bit of ‘action’ between the two of you in the bedroom department; you didn’t say in your letter.

If you discover that things are more than fine, it might be time to relight that spark. He’s the same age as you, and there should be plenty of lead in the pencil all the time. 

How exciting would that be, unless the thought of that is not appealing and if that’s the case, that’s fine, too. This is your story, but be honest with yourself. I always found that if both parties had an itch to scratch, then Mr and Mrs Ground Hurling was good for everyone.

The bones of all of this is you are having a serious and a very honest look at where you are in life at the moment, and where you’d like to be and, indeed, who with.

I know there’s a lot to unpack there, but it’s very important that you take your time. As I said, you are planning for the next 30 years plus, so it’s no small thing, but the best thing about this is that you are the one in control.

Just think about it this way. If you don’t like the way things are going in a few years, you can always change course again.