Dear Dáithí: 'How do I get my son and his family to move from America back to Ireland?'

Dáithí Ó Sé: 'I think it’s important for you not to project your worries onto the gang in America.' Picture: Domnick Walsh © Eye Focus LTD

Dear Dáithí,

I’m deeply worried about my child and grandchild living in the US right now. Every time I watch the news, it seems like the world is becoming more chaotic — Trump’s influence still looms, and don’t even get me started on the state of gun control. 

My son told me my precious little granddaughter has to do practice in her school in case there is a shooter! I just can’t shake the feeling that my grandchild is growing up in an environment that’s too dangerous. I hear about shootings in schools, violence in the streets, and constant political division. 

It feels like every day brings another new disaster, and I’m scared for their safety.

When I was growing up here in Ireland, it was a different world —safer, more connected, and less divided. I want to bring them home, back to Ireland where I feel they’d have a better chance at a peaceful life. I know they’re happy in the States — my daughter-in-law is from there — but my gut tells me it’s time for them to come back to Ireland before it’s too late. 

How can I convince them to move, especially when they seem to feel they’ve made a life there? I’m trying not to seem overbearing, but I just can’t ignore the fear in my heart.

Am I being too dramatic? Or do I have a right to be concerned about their future in America?

I know exactly how you feel. I, too have family in the States. And because it is so far from what we are used to here when it comes to schools and society, looking at other countries can be unsettling, especially when we have loved ones there. I think it’s important to compare the size of Ireland and America. Ireland’s population is just under 5.5 million, and in America, it’s — wait for it — 310 million. So when we hear stories coming from that part of the world, everything seems larger and louder. And because we always saw America as the land of the free, a safe haven, and a good country for us, we’ve always taken more notice of what’s happening and might be more sensitive too.

I think if you watched the news in recent months, you’ll definitely get the sense that America has changed, especially with the Trump administration, as every little change is ‘loudspeakered’ to the public in the form of executive orders.

I was in New Jersey a few weeks back — and there at Christmas too —and to be honest, you can hear all you want in the news, but on the ground level it’s the same. People are busy getting on with their lives as most Americans do.

To add to the loudness of all of this, we have social media, so in one sense there is no getting away from these stories unless you decide to — and that’s where you need to change.

I know from watching the news and social media that what upsets me or drives me mad is amplified by both together, and I think you might be the same. Where the fuel is added to the fire for you is the distance between you and your family. If they were just down the road, it would be different, so you’re extra sensitive to all of this, and who would blame you? They are your flesh and blood.

To help you out here, I think you should focus on what you can control. You can’t control what is happening in society there, but you can control what you think and know, and what you know has to be based on facts.

The facts are that your child and granddaughter are safe. They live in a nice part, and the reality is that they will not come to harm outside of some freak incident, so stop worrying unnecessarily, it won’t get you anywhere.

I know it sounds crazy to us that children in American schools are doing safety drills like this, but it’s better to have them know what to do if something like this were to happen.

I know they are good at explaining drills like this to children in schools there and it’s done in a way that doesn’t freak them out. My brother-in-law is a teacher there, and once he explained that to me, it sat better with me. Again, this is all alien to us here in Ireland, and we can all see why this would be upsetting to you.

There is also no point in even trying to convince them to move back to Ireland — this decision will have to come from them, so don’t dwell on that. It is out of your control. Sorry if I sound blunt, but that is the case at the moment.

I think it’s important for you not to project your worries onto the gang in America. What you don’t want is them worrying about you worrying about them. That forms a very unhealthy circle where the whole lot of you are worrying about worry, and worrying about something that probably will not happen, so we’ll avoid that one.

I think for your own peace of mind, you should focus less on these news stories, especially on social media, and it’s important too to know about the news source you are watching.

In the words of President Trump, there is lots of fake news out there. We all have a tendency too to imagine one of our own when we hear of a bad story, that’s why they hit us so hard, but again we must go back to reality: these stories might upset us, but we must realise and know that your family are well and safe.

Here is another thing that you can control — and that is telling them that you are there for them and that you love them so much.

Also, plan a trip to go see them, and maybe invite them to visit Ireland too. I think it’s important to put your energies into the good things in life and things that will happen — the reality of life. Sometimes I think that negative thoughts get into our heads because we allow space for them in there, so we need to stock up on
positivity.

Reality and positivity — that’s where this week’s answer is.

The reality that your family live in a safe place. Yes, there might be some uncertainty on the periphery, but that is just life in any country. And positivity in your own mind, and that you are in total control of that.

I think if you focus on those two things, you’ll be on the right road.