Dear Dáithí: I want holidays to be just for us — not the in-laws

Dáithí Ó Sé: "It’s very common, with the lives we all lead, that couples end up like ships passing in the night — and then suddenly 20 years have passed and you've lost that special thing you once had." Picture: Domnick Walsh.

Dear Dáithí, 

My partner and I have been talking about booking a holiday this summer, but we're already at an impasse. I’ve been looking forward to some much-needed downtime — just the two of us — to relax and unwind. 

We both work long hours and weird shifts, so we don't actually see each other all that much in an average week. I’ve got my heart set on a quiet beach resort where we can do nothing but read books, swim, and have long dinners — and maybe some alone time in the bedroom! 

But my partner thinks it would be a great idea to invite his siblings and their families along.

The issue isn’t just the size of the group — it’s that my in-laws want to bring their kids. I’ve never been good with children, and while I know that’s not a popular opinion, it’s the truth. I really don’t want my time off to be spent babysitting or dealing with tantrums. I just want some peace and quiet.

I’ve tried to explain this to my partner, but he thinks I’m being unreasonable, and now he’s bringing up the guilt angle, saying that family is important and it would be nice for everyone to get together. His siblings, of course, are all on board with the idea of a big family holiday.

I feel stuck between my desire for a peaceful, kid-free holiday and my partner’s wish to please everyone. Should I just give in to avoid causing tension, or do I have a right to insist on the type of holiday I want?

I have to say I’m totally with you when it comes to holidays — why in the name of God almighty would you want to bring others and all their baggage with you at a time when all you want to do is sit back, relax, and take some well-deserved time away from the norms of life? I go on holidays to get away from them, not bring them with me.

Now, it does sound like your partner is a nice guy, so we need to be considerate — but you both are going on this summer’s holiday without the Brady Bunch!

It’s very common, with the lives we all lead, that couples end up like ships passing in the night — and then suddenly 20 years have passed and you've lost that special thing you once had. 

Life gets in the way, and one day you might not even recognise your partner anymore. That’s why holidays are so important — they give you both the time to reconnect and be a couple again, to remember why you came together in the first place.

The good thing is that all of this is still only at the planning stage. But time is ticking, and unless you say something now, it’s going to snowball. Because you don’t see each other all the time, this hasn’t been properly discussed before, so now he thinks you’re being unreasonable — and his reaction has come out of the blue. That’s why you have to take control of this now.

Before we get into anything else, we need to focus on what you want and need from this holiday — and then what you both want and need as a couple. You work hard, and you deserve this time to chill and recharge. You both need that space to bond, without other people around. Those long evening dinners you mentioned are perfect for that.

It also sounds like there’s been a dip in sexual connection, and if that’s the case, it’s something that needs sorting. Be direct and say, “I’m going to rock your world on this holiday — we need to relight that fire.” 

You can’t beat a bit of ground hurling, but you won’t be able to if the under-14s are next door, if you know what I mean!

I didn’t love the part of your letter where he was guilting you — that’s such a childish way to argue, just because he isn’t getting his way. Throwing in the ‘family is important’ line? Get out of town, man. We know family is important — lots of things are — but we can’t bring everything on holiday or we might as well just stay at home.

Of course, the others are “on board” with it — or so he says, anyway. It would be very interesting to find out if that’s really true. Is there someone in that group who actually doesn’t want to do this? If so, have a chat. From experience, I doubt everyone is 100% keen on this setup.

If he’s really insistent on the big family trip, then I don’t think you should go. Let them all off — and if that’s your decision, tell him now. Because honestly, you won’t enjoy it, and you’ll have wasted your precious holiday time.

It’s not a ‘me or them’ situation. This is you being confident enough in yourself to say, “No, I’m not happy with that deal — me and my friends are going somewhere else.” But also say, “If you want to go away with me alone, I’d be very happy with that.” 

And if they do go — which I honestly don’t think will happen — tell him you’ll join them for the last weekend if you feel like it. That way, you’re still being sensible about the family side of things. But only do that if it’s something you actually want to do. Trust me, I think he’ll poop his speedos the moment you mention going away with other people.

You might think my answer this week is a bit harsh, but I really didn’t like the way he was guilting you under a big, fluffy family cloak. That’s not on. You need this time to relax and get away from everyday life — and you don’t want tantrums ruining your buzz.

I will say this, though — when you’re talking to him, don’t be arrogant, defensive, or angry. Be confident. You’ve done nothing wrong here, and you’re showing that you’re not a pushover.

Enjoy the kid-free holiday — because one way or another, that’s exactly what you’re going to have.