Richard Hogan: What to do if your boss is a narcissist

Richard Hogan: "They hate any individual thinker, they view them not as talent but rather trouble makers, that need to be put back in their box. Working with someone like that actually changes the neurochemistry in the brain." Picture: iStock.

Most of our adult life is consumed by the work we do. It can be frightening to realise we spend more time, during the week, with our colleagues than our family and friends. 

As the great TV show “The Office” illustrates, we are often thrown together with a motley crew of people we would never have chosen to spend more than an elevator ride with. 

Sometimes we fall into the job we do. We haven’t really planned it out; a friend of a friend knew someone and all of a sudden you are 20 years deep, watching these strange people you have nothing in common with grow old. 

If we are lucky we get the job we want and find great meaning and joy in the work we do. 

But for most of us, work is the thing we do to pay for our life with our family and friends. 

Whichever it is, when work is coming home with us, disturbing us from our sleep, causing rumination and anxiety, our work/life balance is out of sync. 

One of the major stresses of our working life is having to deal with a boss, manager or colleague that is a narcissist. 

People often ask me, how can I tell if my boss is a narcissist? As I said over the last two weeks a narcissistic person will have an inflated sense of entitlement, grandiosity and lack empathy for others. 

They will cause extreme chaos in the life of any unfortunate soul in their orbit. 

Many people work with a boss who treat them appallingly. Remember a narcissist has an incredible belief in their brilliance, and competence and confidence are closely matched in an interview. So, they often hold positions of authority.

If you are wondering if your boss is a narcissist, the first sign to look for is whether or not they have an inner circle. The narcissist craves inner circles of sycophantic nodding heads. 

A ‘yes’ person does well under the narcissistic regime. That is why very average and limited people get elevated to high positions. The narcissist is fearful of intelligence, and loathes free thinkers. 

They want to be able to control people, that is why they promote colleagues that would never reach such positions under a confident, fair, and intelligent boss. 

They hate any individual thinker, they view them not as talent but rather trouble makers, that need to be put back in their box. Working with someone like that actually changes the neurochemistry in the brain. 

People become fearful as they understand they are not respected in their workplace for their talents but rather are respected if they agree with the boss or not. 

This substantially decreases productivity, as colleagues become anxious about making mistakes or incurring the wrath of a vengeful and childlike boss.

The boss takes all glory when things are going well, and they blame everyone else when things are not working out. Working for someone like that, can impact on your mental health.

I have sat in my room, and listened as clients described how they were being targeted and abused by the person in authority in their job. No one has the right to target you like this. No one is your master. And there are things you can do.

Silence, is the best friend of a narcissist. As we know from history, it is in those silent spaces that abuse thrives.

If you are working with someone like this, here is what I would advise. Remember you are never stuck in any job you work in. I would always add a little to my cv to make me more employable. 

The less employable you are, the more they feel they have you. Of course we all have bills to pay and food to get on our tables, but they never have you. They want you to feel that, but don’t fall for their ruse. 

I always think of the image of Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, slowly chiselling his way out of hell. The more you add to your cv the more opportunity you have to move away from a toxic person. 

Also you can try to manage your proximity with your boss, you will know their habits and movements, try to keep distance from them as much as possible. Never lose sight of the fact, it is only a job to get money to enjoy your life with family and friends.

There are plenty of more jobs out there, with decent supportive bosses. Never give a boss the power to step into your house. 

I would also document everything that he/she has said to you, every decision they have made, every time they put you down or made inappropriate comments. 

Document the time and date of when it was said. I would go to HR with this detailed report. And if you decide to leave I would also give HR, so there is a record of this persons abusive behaviour. People often just leave, and the toxic boss goes on to abuse another person unfortunate to attract his/her glare.

Working for someone who targets you and puts you down in front of others, is a very destructive and psychologically damaging experience. But you have power. 

You are never stuck, they are not strong, they are insecure and weak people.