Ask Audrey: It's not fair that Cillian Murphy gets hotter as he gets older

Audrey the Agony Aunt helps Dowcha Donie ponder a mystery that's plagued every Cork man at one time or another... and more than a few Cork women

Cillian Murphy: I mean, look at him, like. Have you seen him?

C’mere, what’s the story with Cillian Murphy’s hair?

The Old Doll has had a thing for him since Peaky Blinders, she loves the angry quiet type who can’t stop smoking fags.

So anyway, she’s looking at her phone last night and she starts doing her sexy groans because there was a picture of Cillian Murphy promoting his latest film on the Examiner website, and his hair is going grey. 

I was going ‘give it up girl, you’re a grandad snatcher, grey hair means you’re old’. ‘Shut up Dowcha Donie,’ says she, and she shows me the photo. 

Honest to God, it’s not fair that Cillian Murphy gets hotter as he gets older, while I’m basically turning into my old man. 

I’m not the only one. Budgie’s old doll is nagging him to get hair extensions because she gets tingly just thinking about running her hands through Cillian’s wavy hair, and poor Budgie is basically Wayne Rooney before he got the work done.

It’s getting ridiculous now. 

Guess what my old doll wants for Christmas — me with grey hair so I can remind her of Cillian Murphy. Should I give in?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Tell her to be careful what she wishes for. My Conor’s hair turned grey and now he reminds me of a sad greyhound.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Two very well-dressed Yanks in their 20s knocked at my door during the week and asked me if I needed salvation.

I said: “Fair play lads, ye are top-class trick or treaters, there is nothing more terrifying than young people who believe in God.” 

I was handing them out the fun-sized Milky Ways when one of them said: “No Ma’am, we are genuinely trying to save your soul.”

I said: “Get away from my door in that case, the last time we let religious men into Ireland didn’t they stay for a thousand years, most of which they spent telling women they should be ashamed of having dirty thoughts.”

Well, didn’t one the of the Yanks, the better-looking one, say that his God encourages women to think dirty thoughts, and follow through on them if they like. And then he gave me a wink. 

I know a lot of these religions are just a front for mad orgies.

I’m not as bothered by that as some other people, and neither is my friend Berna, so we’re going on retreat this weekend with these lads, to get the lay of the land. 

It’s in Kinsale — do you think that’s a sign?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I’d say it is. I’ll see ye there — I’m the one dressed as a sexy nun.

Hey dude. So I’m part of an artists and content creators group here in Boston. 

Our parents are all like super-rich, it’s not our fault and it totally helps that we don’t have to make money from our art, it’s what makes us soooo creative, ya feelin’ me?

The problem is like, Donald Trump. He is so going to get into the White House next, I’ve written a haiku about it, I don’t expect you to know what that means, it’s Japanese. 

Anyhow, Trump as president means there will no place for sensitive not-for-profit artists in America. 

We’re like the first people he’ll come after and I’ve decided to get out of Dodge while the going is good.

My friend Gnarly Jim spent a summer on the Beara Peninsula in West Cork and he said it’s like a totally welcoming place for people with creativity seeping out of every pore. 

He said there are English artists there and they don’t have to make any money because their parents are like loaded (completely ethically!!).

That’s basically me, so I’m moving to West Cork next month. 

I need somewhere safe, because I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if Trump came after me, to quench the spirit of my rebellious haikus. 

I also need somewhere I won’t bump into Trump-voting American tourists, singing too-ra-loo and all that. Can you help?

— Joel, Boston

My sister lives in West Cork, something she says at least four times a day. I rang her there and told her your story. 

She said: “What are you looking for?” I said: “Somewhere in West Cork that doesn’t get any tourists.” She said: “Bandon.”

Is it ok to get covid for Christmas? 

I have three adult children and they seem to think it’s fine to visit me every year to shove their snotty little children in my face and say “Thanks for cooking Christmas dinner Mum, I haven’t the energy with the smallies.” 

I’m 78 for feck sake. And I’d rather shoot myself than listen to my sons-in-law talking about their favourite podcasts. 

Would ye ever go out and get pissed like we did?! 

So is there still a seven-day isolation if you have covid, because I can feel a right blast of it coming on around December 21, if you get my drift?

— Noreen, Model Farm Road

I rang the HSE there and who answered but your daughter?! I said: “Why do ye all insist on going home at Christmas?” 

She said: “Because the house is worth €1.2m and you’d hate to get left out of the will.” 

I said: “But why do you refuse to help your 78 year-old-mother with the Christmas dinner?”

She said: “That’s bullshit — she’s 82.”