At 44, I knew about perimenopause — but I still wasn't owning up that it was there for me

Menopause coach and author Catherine O’Keeffe talks to Helen O’Callaghan about a moment she found mortifying while on a girls’ weekend away in Copenhagen – only for it to be a catalyst for a whole new outlook and career.

Menopause coach and author Catherine O’Keeffe talks to Helen O’Callaghan about a moment she found mortifying while on a girls’ weekend away in Copenhagen – only for it to be a catalyst for a whole new outlook and career.

I was 44 – it was the end of November and I was in Copenhagen for three nights with three college friends. 

We were there for the Christmas markets — four girls away from family responsibilities, going to have a nice catch-up.

I’d had a little bit of spotting over a few days, my period coming on, I thought; I didn’t take any notice.

On the first night, the Friday, we went out for dinner.

My whole nether regions weren’t right — I was a bit crampy and feeling hot. Next thing, halfway through the meal, my period came on in an absolute gush — I flooded out, destroyed myself.

I was afraid to move. I went quiet, though I did tell the friend who was sitting on the same side of the table. 

I left the restaurant with my jacket tied around my waist. I was with some of my closest friends and yet I was mortified, having to take a shower at midnight.

It was great that my one friend knew. We were sharing a room and I definitely needed someone to just understand what was happening.

Next day I was worried it’d happen again. It was like this 100% loss of control, it was so sudden and I thought this could happen again, at any time, and I wouldn’t get a heads-up.

I never went anywhere for months without a change of clothes and towels in the car. 

I was working as an investment banker in a busy office in Sandyford, Dublin — I even had spare clothes and towels in my desk. And I wasn’t wearing white trousers for a long time!

That weekend in Copenhagen, I wasn’t frightened about it. I knew it was a very heavy period.

After we came back, I went to my doctor and had scans done and there was nothing wrong. At 44, I knew about perimenopause. I’d had some brain fog and I also knew I was becoming more anxious, and I’d never been an anxious person before.

But I still wasn’t owning up that perimenopause was there for me.

SUBTLE KNOCKS

Copenhagen was a very sharp wake-up call, yet I’d been getting subtle knocks on the door before that. 

I knew I had to take my head out of the sand and acknowledge ‘this is happening and I can’t avoid it — I need to embrace it’. And it was about pulling out all the stops to do that.

I’ve always been into health and wellness. I’m a very practical person. I approached it like a puzzle.

Initially, my heavy periods were the priority — how to resolve those.

I did acupuncture and at the end of three months the periods were sorted. I was tackling symptoms as they came on.

I started running. I’d never run before, I’d never been a sporty person. I started doing the ‘Couch to 5K’ and that was an absolute game-changer. 

I found it really helped with everything — energy, anxiety. It became my go-to. I started to watch what I was eating. Everything came into play: Is this helpful, is this working for me?

I was fine mentally about being in perimenopause, but you go through different psychological changes with it. I remember out of nowhere, when I was 47, 48, feeling very sad that I’d never feel a baby in my tummy again.

I went through a few weeks of guilt. I’d had miscarriages but I was also very lucky to have three children. It was one of those acceptance stages of perimenopause and ageing that I had to go through.

I started having very vivid dreams again about my dad’s funeral.

He died very suddenly, but I knew trauma comes back in menopause. It’s a deeply psychological process and I think it gets easier if you just embrace it.

What I call the ‘six Ms’ of menopause are still my gold star. They are ‘MOT’ — checking in with myself every year; ‘menu’ — food; ‘movement’ — exercise; ‘mingle’ — being connected and having support; ‘meaning’ — having purpose; and ‘minding you’ — from perimenopause to post-menopause demands extra care. I don’t call it self-care, I call it crucial care.

What happened in Copenhagen led me on a journey of reflection about how I was processing these changes. Since then, I’ve built a whole career out of helping women in menopause. It has changed my life.

And the amount of women I’ve shared my Copenhagen experience with. Hands go up. They say ‘I’m so glad you said that; it happened to me at work, now I know I’m not the only one’. 

It’s more common than we think. Women are always relieved when I tell the story. The more we talk about these things the better.

It’s about continuing to shatter the taboo of menopause.

• Founded by Catherine O’Keeffe, the fifth Menopause Success Summit takes place on Saturday, October 19 (9.30am-5.30pm) at the Royal Marine Hotel, Dún Laoghaire. 
• Featuring a line-up of expert speakers, the event offers practical advice on HRT, movement, nutrition, weight-management, and other lifestyle topics for women with menopausal symptoms.
• Book tickets: https://www.menopausesuccesssummit.com/