Dear Dáithí: My estranged sister wants to make peace, but I don't know if I want her back in my life

Got a problem? Our agony uncle, Dáithí Ó Sé, is here to help. Picture: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,  

My sister recently reached out to me by letter. To say it was a shock is an understatement. 

We had a massive falling out about ten years ago when both our parents died within a short time of each other. 

We were both left the family home between us, and she wanted the money at the time, so I offered to buy her out. 

It was an old house, there was a lot of work needed doing to it, and I think I gave her a fair deal. 

She bought a fancy apartment at probably the worst time to be buying, and after a couple of years, after she had a baby, she came looking for more money as she said the apartment wasn't suitable, and she needed somewhere with a garden but couldn't afford it as she was in negative equity. 

Our family home has a big front and back garden, and I did a lot of work to make it into a nice space. She was very bitter, pointing out I lived in a 'mansion' and her new partner was very vocal about the fact that they thought we should pay them more now. 

She is the youngest daughter and was always given everything; I would say she was spoilt, and told her as much. We actually came to blows at the time, and it took me a long time to get over it. 

She now says in her letter she regrets our fight, and can we meet for a cup of coffee? To be honest, my life is calm and happy as it is, and I don't know that I want her back in it. What should I do?  

This is a very interesting one this week, and I have to say, families never surprise me especially when it comes to money or land. 

Maybe it did surprise me in the beginning, as in our family we get on with things and never had much to fight over, but listening to other people’s stories down through the years, some people think they should have it all their own way, and this causes conflict. 

Some and only some eventually see the light and that’s what seems to have happened here.

When your parents did both pass away, they did the right thing by leaving the house to both of you in the will, otherwise this could have been a problem also, when there is no will it causes so many problems. 

There is no real problem here on your side as I see it. She sold her half of the house to you, and she could do whatever she wanted with that money, and the house was yours to do up and sell or live in it, that was your business and nobody else’s. 

Along with all of this, she wanted you to buy her out so she could buy a place of her own.

So, she went off and bought a fancy apartment. It doesn’t matter what time, good or bad, when she bought it, this was her choice and nothing whatsoever to do with you. 

Now I do feel bad for anyone who landed themselves in negative equity, I was once in that situation myself, and I had to cut my cloth and dim my lights. 

I’d have loved a nice garden too at that time, but that was not an option and I had to get over myself. 

I can see how her coming looking for more money would be upsetting, and by the sounds of it this new partner at the time was well able to get stuck in - I wonder if it was him who was behind a bit of this? He might have put some pressure on, I don’t know. 

He might also be the nicest guy in the world, but I don’t like people who get vocal when they hadn’t been there the first day, when the deal was done.

Just let’s imagine her side for a while, it seems that she was under pressure with a new baby and the place being too small. 

I think she might have been in survival mode at the time and when someone is in that state, people will say anything and do strange things to survive. 

Having a go at your ‘mansion’ was a very low blow but might have been out of that same frustration. I’m only trying to get into her head to see what was going on in there at the time.

It took you a long time to get over it, it takes a strong person to do this. Roll on ten years after the event, there was someone else who never got over it. 

If it takes a strong person to get over a thing like this, it takes a stronger person to sit down and write a letter. I’d imagine she sat down a thousand times to do it, when she saw the light.

I can picture your shock when you got the letter, but here’s the question, and only you will be able to answer. 

Was it happy or angry shock you felt, when you saw the letter? You do have a calm and happy life, and you’re not sure if you want her back.

Here’s what I think: you must meet her for coffee, and ask her what was going on at that time. 

Let her do all the talking. You were never in the wrong here, and she probably knows that now. 

Your relationship is on the canvas, and she probably knows this too and if I’m being honest, she will have to do all the hard work, if there is a relationship going forward - but I would give her a chance to explain. 

You’re in charge of what's going to happen next. You can have as much or as little as you want, but you’ll need to explain what impact this had on you and your family. 

She can’t just waltz back in like nothing happened, I don’t think this would happen anyway.

You do have a niece who is almost ten, who you don’t know at all, and it might be nice to see her and maybe see how your sister has changed too.

If she is writing to you now, there is a good chance she is a different person now. We all change, and most of the time for the better, but the choice is yours. 

If you’ve been hurt so much by this - and you’d be entitled to be, and as you say, you’ve a calm and happy life now, and you might not want to take the chance on upsetting that - it's hard to argue with that too.

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