Dear Dáithí: I think my son is confused about his sexuality — he's left the GAA and is wearing nail polish

I even need to think when it comes to the pronouns. We are so used to saying 'he' and 'she', but life has moved on, and we need to move with it

Sun, 10 Mar, 2024 - 06:00

Dear Dáithí,

My son is 16, he used to be very sporty and active, up until about a year ago. He started hanging out with new friends, ditched the GAA, started vaping, he's either online with the new friends or hanging out with them in the town. I think they are a bad influence. He started changing his appearance too, he has put on a bit of weight, he only wears black and the other day, I noticed he had painted his fingernails black. We got in a big argument recently about the Eurovision, I said it was a big fuss over nothing for Bambie Thug to make people use they/them pronouns. My son got very angry with me and said I was a dinosaur and  that I have no respect. He says he is doing well at school and helps with the house and garden and I should get off his case. He is, but this really hurt my feelings. We used to be very close. I feel worried he may be confused about his sexuality but I don't know how to talk to him about something like this when he won't even be civil to me over the breakfast table. His father would be worse than me at this sort of thing. What can I do to reach him? 

I can well remember when I was 16 it’s a time in my life that has stayed with me. It’s the time in my life when I was becoming a young man really, with a lot of things changing and everything very new it can be a confusing and an exciting time all at once to say the least. It's around this time too that I left my footballing career (I wasn’t great) behind me and it’s something I really regret now looking back. I didn’t understand it at the time because I thought I knew everything, and like your son, I thought my parents were so behind the times, I know now that they knew a lot more than I even know nowadays. The fact that he is only away from his GAA team for a year means it will be easier to go back, the longer he leaves this the harder it is going to be. I’d even say that you met the trainer the other day and he was asking when he was coming back. He will feel wanted and could inspire him. A 16-year-old will want this but will never tell you.

This new gang is a bit of a concern, and you have to be very careful with this. I think you need to do some investigating about them, ask one of the teachers in your son’s school, they will have a good idea what they’re like. They might even be nice guys, but definitely find out and if they are a problem you’ll have to find a way to get your son away from them.

One way to do that is to find out what your son is really into and reconnect with him. Obviously, you won’t be telling your son what you’re at, you’re going to have to be a little sneaky with this. You said your son likes to be online playing games, this might be a good place to start, there might be a gaming weekend on somewhere, and you could surprise him with a trip away together with the whole family. So, some quality time and also time away from the gang will help the situation.

I know with the first bit of this I’m saying you should tell a few white lies and be sneaky, but I do think we need to bend the rules sometimes if needs must, but for the next part you need to be very honest and upfront. You think your son might be struggling with his sexuality and if this is the case you must be there for him. This is unchartered waters for you all and what you don’t want is that he becomes even more distant from you. Only you will know how he will react if you act him straight out, so this might not be an option if you think he will blow a fuse even if you suggest anything like this.

The thing here really is that this is his story, and he will come to you with whatever when he is ready, now that doesn’t mean that you sit back and do nothing.

There is plenty you can do; you should speak to a professional about this concern you have and be ready with some of the answers if and then they arise. You need to let him know you and your husband will always be there for him no matter what happens in life. If he is struggling don’t worry, it's only the process and the process will pass even faster if dealt with properly.

I even need to think when it comes to the pronouns. We are so used to saying 'he' and 'she', but life has moved on, and we need to move with it. The younger generation are well ahead of us when it comes to this so we need to understand this from their point of view, we should take a deep breath and take a step back.

Now let’s look at what else is going on, he is doing well in school which is so great to hear and that he still does chores around the house. This to me means he is a lot closer to you than you think. I would be worried if these two things weren’t happening. This is very positive. Now I know your feelings are hurt, is this maybe because your boy is growing up and is not your little boy anymore? Only you can answer this. I don’t want to be mean here, but sometimes we can overthink these things and play a small part in the problem, unbeknownst to ourselves.

The more I think of it, I really like the idea of a few weekends away with the family and the sooner you do this the better. The fire is still lighting here don’t you worry, so don’t let it go out altogether.

Tell your husband too to take his thumb out of his ass and be proactive, his relationship with your son is so important and needs attention. Not being good with ‘this type of thing’ doesn’t cut it with me. No part-time dads in this paper!