Sex File: Why does he reject me in bed?

"...[chemotherapy] can cause nerve damage which can interfere with sexual function. Although sexual problems are usually at their worst during and right after treatment, they can also begin after it ends."

Mon, 18 Mar, 2024 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

We've been happily married for 40 years, but the past few have been fraught with illness and bereavement, and our sex life has not resumed since my husband's surgery and chemotherapy last year. He kept saying he wasn't ready, but when pressed admitted he no longer finds me attractive. I'm devastated. Am I wrong in thinking this is more about him than me?

I have not had cancer. However, people that I love have been there, got the T-shirt, and lived to tell me quite how bad it was. Chemo is horrible, but it saves lives and so yes, this is much, much more about your husband than it is about you.

If he went through illness, bereavement, surgery and chemo last summer, he is probably nowhere near recovery. He may still be on medication and chemo can cause nerve damage which can interfere with sexual function. Although sexual problems are usually at their worst during and right after treatment, they can also begin after it ends.

I'm pretty sure you know all this already though. The real issue here is not that your husband won't have sex; it is that he won't have sex with you, and the reason he has given you is that he doesn't find you attractive any more. Even writing that hurts. It is a cruel thing to say, especially to someone who has, quite obviously, supported him through a frightening illness and recovery. It is difficult to imagine what would make a man say something like that but pain, discomfort, illness, medication and the feelings of vulnerability that go hand in hand with all those things make people behave in strange ways. If your husband cannot have sex, then blaming you might feel like a safer option than admitting that the process he has been through has left him fundamentally impaired.

Rejection is sometimes a defence mechanism, but your feelings matter too. You need to have an honest conversation with him about the impact what he has said has had on you. You've been there for him when he needed you and to undermine you like that is neither necessary nor nice.

I know that you want everything to be the same as before, but it is probably time for you to consider the possibility that it might never go back to being like that. Cancer affects people's mental health as well as their physical health. Rates of depression and anxiety are significantly higher in people who have experienced it, and psychological problems often arise after treatment, when patients are presumed to be "getting back to normal". The weight of other people's expectations can be a burden, especially if nothing actually feels normal.

If your husband is willing to talk to a counsellor, it might really help him. Also, talking to other people who have been through the same thing and who understand the emotional complexity of recovery would be extremely helpful for him.

You have been through a lot too, and it would be useful for you to offload with a neutral third party, someone who can help you rebuild your self-esteem and give you some clarity as to why your husband might be behaving in this way.

I do hope that you can find your way back to each other because 40 years is worth fighting for. Once trust is restored between you, intimacy will follow. Your sex life might be different in the future but there is no reason it can't be just as rewarding.