Dear Dáithí: We're just back from honeymoon and I feel crowded by my stepson

I hate when I hear of a part-time dad or mom. Even if people are not together, they still need to be there for the children. This part-time bullshit doesn’t cut it with me.

Got a problem? Our agony uncle, Dáithí Ó Sé, is here to help. Picture: Domnick Walsh

Mon, 26 Feb, 2024 - 12:39

Dear Dáithí, 

My new husband and I went on our honeymoon recently. We had a brilliant time, all is fab, we were going out with each for two years, and get on brilliantly. He is my soul mate. We had separate houses, but after we married, the romantic plan was that my husband would move in with me, and we would live together as husband and wife.  (I have a mortgage and he was renting, so it made sense for him to move here).  

The problem is my husband has a child from a previous relationship, a boy who is 11. The boy and his mam used to live in England, and my husband (I love typing that!!!!) would see him intermittently.

The very week we arrived back from our honeymoon, his son and his ex-girlfriend moved to the same county as us, as she got a new job, and her parents are here. His son is now in our house all the time. I get that it is hard for his son, with a big move and settling into a new school.

But I suddenly find myself spending a lot of time with this boy I don't know at all. In  fairness, his mother keeps her distance and she has never come into the house.

But my husband and I have no time alone. He has started to stay the night as well. I don't know how to broach this with husband, but this was not part of my plan. I want to have a baby asap and my body clock is ticking big time.

I'll sound like the wicked stepmother if I start questioning his son's presence.

How do I get my house back, without causing a rift between us all? 

Firstly, it really sounds like you are in such a great place at the moment, and I suppose the key here is to stay in that great place and keep everyone happy. You’re just back from your honeymoon with the man of your dreams and your soul mate, that says a lot of what you think of your ‘new’ husband and the fact that your excited when you write that he is your husband is very sweet.

Ye were going out for two years before moving on to the next stage and I think that’s a good time to move, unless you are 14 of course, then 22 years is good! Anyway, you know what I mean, a lot of the crap that happens in a relationship happens in the first two years and you really should know what you’re dealing with in life with this person.

But life being life, things change and the way we deal with these changes tells a lot about ourselves and sometimes we have to look at the big picture and do what we can to help other people out and by doing this you become a better person.

I know that having your husband’s son around was not your, or your husband's plan for that matter, but this young boy is your stepson and the fact that he is now in a different country away from his friends and now his dad is married to a person who is not his mom, there is a lot changing in this boy's life, he is definitely feeling left out. This boy is only 11 and needs to be taken care of. Yes, he is your husband’s son and his mother seems to be playing her part too by keeping her distance, but you have a part to play too.

You have a great relationship with your husband, and you need to speak to him about this. It's not going to be an easy conversation, but I bet your husband wants to talk about it too. He can see too what’s going on and I’m sure he is concerned about your relationship and how his son is doing too with all the changes.

There is probably a reason why the son is over all the time, he probably wants to be part of his dad’s life and being a dad myself I know that’s a two-way street and by the way this is a great thing, I hate when I hear of a part-time dad or mom, it breaks my heart. Even if people are not together, they still need to be there for the children on a full-time basis. This part-time bullshit doesn’t cut it with me.

Now, you didn’t sign up for this level at this stage, I get that, so speak to your husband about it and explain that ye need time together and he needs to chat to his ex-girlfriend about some kind of schedule so that everyone is happy. The relationship between you and your stepson is an important one, you want to have a baby, this new baby will be this boy’s stepbrother or stepsister, they will be very close, and you need to keep this in mind. You don’t know your stepson well, but you are the only one who can do something about that and if your husband sees you doing this it will bring your relationship on too, I think. That’s how I would see it anyway, that’s how I would feel.

All that said and a question you did ask is how you get your house back, well this boy is 11 and to be honest when he will turn 14 or 15 the story goes that he will want to do his own thing anyway, but you might not want that when the time comes. If you give it time and when you have your own child, things will change, but you need to start talking now to your husband and make sure everyone is on the same page.

If you really want to push the boat out and only you will be able to answer this, what about giving an olive branch to the boy’s mother? Yes, your husband’s ex-girlfriend. She is going to be part of the bigger big picture. There is going to be a connection there going forward anyway. Think about it. It would show maturity, character and strength on your side and show them what you’re made of. A lot of people find this a step too far, what you think?