Dear Dáithí: My daughter didn't go to a sleepover and is now being left out of her friend group

My daughter was invited but my husband did not want her to go, he felt she was too young. They are in fifth class, my daughter is nine.

Mon, 01 Jan, 2024 - 12:34

Dear Dáithí,

A couple of months ago, a group of girls in my daughter’s class had a sleepover as part of a birthday party. My daughter was invited, but my husband did not want her to go, he felt she was too young. They are in fifth class, my daughter is nine. I didn’t push him on it, she didn’t seem too upset by it, she went to the activity part of the party but didn’t do the sleepover part. Since then, the group have gone to the cinema and organised another sleepover without asking my daughter. She is being totally left out.

I messaged the mum who organised the second sleepover and she said the girls were old enough to pick who went to their parties and not everyone in the class was invited. I couldn’t believe it. I would never do that to one of the friend group. I didn’t reply, but I am seething over it. My daughter wants to have a sleepover for her birthday that is coming up in a few weeks but my husband is absolutely adamant that they are too young to be having that kind of party.

He is very black-and-white about things, there is no talking him around. My daughter is suffering because of this and I don’t know what to do.

I’d say there isn’t a house in the country that has kids that don’t experience this issue, and it is a real tough one. It’s the sleepover question.

They are our pride and joys, and we want to do what we can to keep them safe and happy, and sometimes we can overthink things as parents. As guardians, we all think that other parents should think like we do, and to be honest that rarely happens. It does amaze me just how much parents are wired so
differently, but that’s just life.

Your husband had a concern that your daughter was too young, and he might have been right, or maybe he didn’t have all the information about what, where, and when. For example, if you know the parents of the child who is having the party, and if they’re sound, then I’d be happy enough for my child to attend. Nine and 10 is kinda the age when all this starts. On the other side of this, you have other parents who might be a bit off the wall and you wouldn’t be comfortable with your child there all night, then it’s a ‘no way’!

Now your daughter went to the activity part of the day and didn’t sleep over and wasn’t upset with that, well done — it seems that you’ve a lovely child who respects her parents. The real problem for me starts after this. She is now being totally cut out of the picture and this can be very hurtful for any child. There is no doubt, but she is hearing about all these days out when she is in school and feeling like she is outside the golden circle — and the truth is that this is the case.

I’m going to say it straight here, your husband is not to blame for the way this has unfolded until now and I can only imagine that he is feeling bad about all of this, but he might have to dim his lights a small bit. The fact that the next sleepover is in your house where ye are in control, this might show him that these nights are as innocent as the day is long and that the worst thing at the end is that they might keep him up until 12.

He should play a trick on them and frighten the crap out of them! Yes, I do have an evil side. Boo!

Now let’s talk about the mom who organised the second sleepover and “the girls were old enough to pick who went to their party” — who are you, lady? These are our kids we are talking about. I’d wonder if she was just trying to be the cool mom or something? I don’t even want to know a person like this in my life. I know you didn’t respond, but maybe you should.

And say something like: “I’ve thought about what you said in your message last week and did you ever think about if that was your child that was being excluded and put yourself in my shoes, what would that feel like?”. That mother reminds me of the people in the movie Mean Girls — well, there is a bitchiness in that movie that beats all. This situation is different, but the flavour is the same, if you know what I mean. No harm to let her know how you feel, all the same.

You’re going to have to have a chat with your husband. You said this is now impacting your daughter and he certainly won’t like or want that. That’s going to hurt him, but all is not lost. This next sleepover is the chance for things to get back to normal for her, and he must realise this. We all think that our children should have the same upbringing as we got, and I agree, but the world has changed, and we need to move with the times.

You must bear in mind that things might have changed now within the group, so I would message all the parents individually to see who would come before you make any big announcements to your daughter about the sleepover, just in case the aforementioned mom tries anything stupid. I hope her daughter has the best of nights and goes home to her mother the following morning and tells her all about it.

All ye can do with this sleepover is just enjoy it and hopefully all the girls will have a great night — after that you must follow a natural flow.

I know you’re going to be anxious about the night, but no helicoptering around them, that I’m told is very uncool.