Ask Audrey: You’d have a better chance of finding a well-thumbed copy of Ulysses in Mallow Library

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting steamy on our Whatsapp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose Mobile Sauna Cost More Than Your House. 

Sweaty_Hettie kicked it off last week when she posted a photo of herself in the nip in her new mobile sauna, next to the splash pool her Ken installed last year as an apology for sleeping with the cleaning lady. We were all “WOW” and flame emojis in response, but I felt it would have been more in her line to spend the money on a boob job, and I’d say I wasn’t the only one with that thought. 

Anyway, this started a Sauna War on the Douglas Road. Fifi_VolvoXC90 set the pace with a sauna from by a guy known as the leading Steam Unicorn in Sweden, which sounds made up, but you don’t want to question these things. I got his number off Fifi but his mother answered and she said he had gone to school, so it sounds a bit dodge. 

Lorna_Horn4Sauna upped the ante by doing a grand opening of her new mobile sauna, complete with a guest appearance by the donkey from the Banshees of Inisherin, she even had the photographer out from the  Examiner, however the bitch managed to swing that. Who could I get to open my own new mobile sauna?

– Jenni, Douglas Road

Try Prince Andrew. He’d do anything for money these days and bonus, Jenni, he doesn’t sweat, so he’ll look good in the sauna pics.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

My bitch of a sister is down from Dublin this weekend with her two smiley happy kids and their American accents from watching all the Youtube. (At least they don’t have a Dublin accent that sounds like a Honda 50 on a cold morning.) 

Her gowl of a friend is home from San Francisco and they have decided they want to have brunch no less on Saturday, no prizes for guessing the eejit who has to organise it. I googled ‘Brunch in North Cork’ and all I got back was an image of someone called Tim Pat Nora in Knocknagree holding a Brunch, the ice lolly that marked you out as having a bit of money in the 1980s, before the Magnum came along and raised the bar for all of us. 

Anyway, bad cess to locating somewhere serving brunch in North Cork, you’d have a better chance of finding a well-thumbed copy of Ulysses in the library in Mallow. I don’t want the bitch of a sister and her gowl of a friend laughing at our backward ways, so myself and Berna have opened a pop-up brunch place called ‘Not Breakfast, Not Lunch’. What do you serve in these places?

– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang my foodie friend, Aubergine Irene, and asked what you serve to people having brunch in North Cork. She said: “Bottomless prosecco, you’d need something to ease the pain.” (I’m just reporting what she said.)

Hi, me name is Leonard from Dundalk, I’m down here in Cork working on the Dunkettle Interchange. 

I’m a good-looking man for someone from Co Louth and there would be no shortage of attention from the ladies when I’m out on the town down here in Cork. The good news is that I negotiated an open relationship with the missus back in Dundalk, she says she doesn’t mind what I catch as long as I don’t come back home with a Cork accent. And there in lies me problem. It’s not unusual to get a gang of five or six girls around me in a bar at any given time. 

Good for you Leonard, you might think, but they’re only interested in laughing at me accent. Sorry now, but Cork people are in no position to be mocking people for their accents, the way yiz sing everything, sounding like a budgie from Wales. I made exactly this point to a woman from Ovens the other night and didn’t she hop up out of the bed, leaving me hanging. Is there any way yiz could own the fact that ye Corkies have a daft accent?

– Leonard, Dundalk and Ballincollig.

Shut up you. A Dundalk man complaining about someone else’s accent is hard to understand, for a number of reasons. And would you ever stop sleeping with women from Ovens.

So like, hey dude. I wake in a cold sweat some nights worried that I’ve lost touch with the man or chick on the street, which is a risk because we’re part of the aristocracy here in Ballintemple. 

But the old man left his Daily Telegraph on the 35-grand kitchen island yesterday and I spotted a story saying they are bringing the Ford Capri back in an electric version. Like, what better way to say I am down with the common man than to drive around town in a Ford Capri. 

This is no time for half measures, so do you know where I can get a set of furry dice?

– Ed, Ballintemple

My cousin knows everything about cars, it was either that or have a personality. I said, what does driving an electric Capri say about a person. He replied: “It says that you love trees and people pointing at you on the street going ‘look at that langer’.”