Ask Audrey: It's no joke being in the 1% in Ballintemple

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. There isn’t a man to be seen for 30 miles around, they’re all gone off to Cheltenham in their foolish-looking caps. What kind of gowls are we, complaining about the Brits with their Irish jokes, and then heading over there on Paddy’s Weekend looking like a shower of extras from the Banshees of that fecking island. 

Anyway, the temporary lack of fresh meat locally has caused me to evaluate my desires and I suppose there is no point in running away from the fact that I am mad for the old sex. I told Berna and she gave me one of her ‘is it only now you’ve realised’ looks, followed by the news that she read an article in the Examiner about these new audio erotica apps, where you listen to this one with a soothing voice telling you a filthy story. 

I’ll have a bit of that says I and didn’t I download it last night and hit play on a story about a delivery man who need ed to use the jacks. I was getting well into it when the mother came in the back door and sat down, and feck it, but I couldn’t turn the thing off. Worse again, Mammy asked if I could play another one. Is this going to be a regular thing now, tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

M y mother walked in on My Conor and me doing the business last week. She said, what’s going on here? I said, it’s a game of truth or dare.

C’mere, what’s the story with going to Mayo? I watched the Banshees of Inisherin with the old doll last night and the scenery was only massive – you’d have to hold your hand up and admit that parts of the Mayo are nearly as nice as the average bits of county Cork. Herself was gushing about it, straight onto her phone checking out a weekend break in Mayo. 

Then I hear that Joe Biden is going to spend a few days there when he comes over for the old visit and I got to thinking, them Mayo gomies will be full of it now like when we go up there, it will be worse than listening to people in Killarney. But the old doll is Adam Ant as we say and it’s off to Westport for us next week on the old weekend break. 

Budgie was appalled when I told him and said you’d want to be proper wide to keep up with them Mayo langers, they’re well into scams and everything, although they pronounce them as schhh-ams, because they’re gone mad from talking like bogmen in an attempt to get a few quid out of the Yanks. (Budgie tells me it isn’t exactly a hive of industry up there.) So, do I need to watch my back, it’s my first time in Connaught? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

T here is no need to prejudge. I like to take people as I find them, which is usually in the pub in Mayo swapping betting tips. Look, a t least it isn’t Galway.

It’s getting Super Eco on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Will Never Recoup our Investment on Solar Panels but That’s not the Point. Lorna_ EarthMama said her new solar panel s are so prominent that you can’t miss them from the bus, and she gets off on all the passengers looking at them and thinking the person living there must be loaded. 

We banned Lorna for a month because why would you want to impress people on the bus, but it triggered a right spat on the group. Kiki_ LifeCoach said her Ken found these mockie-ah solar panels on the internet, they’re only a hundred quid, pop them up on the roof and everyone will think you’re sound for loving polar bears. 

We kicked her off the group for being poor – saving money is an absolute no-no on the Douglas Road. I don’t know which end of me is up now Audrey. I want to install the panels but I’m terrified that people will think they’re fake. Do you have any advice? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I certainly do. Get your solar panels installed by Hot Young Studs Energy. Don’t ask me if the products are any good, but the two guys who installed them were shockingly hot. #P un I ntended.

Hey, so it’s no joke being in the 1% in Ballintemple. I have no way of telling if a chick digs me for me, or of if she likes me because anyone in Cork worth sleeping with knows that my old man owns half of Croatia.  

I try to hide the old affluence by wearing a beenie and scuzzy jeans, but there is no disguising my perfect teeth or Silicon Valley demeanour. So, I’ve decided to soften my brand by getting a rescue dog – is it ok to put a coat on it saying ‘Rescue Dog’ or is that trying too hard? 

- Ed, Ballintemple.

Don’t even think about it Ed. They’ll run away faster than a Dungarvan man during a tax audit. It’s not that you’d be trying too hard. Trust me, I’ve been stung by this in the past. The one thing I know for a fact is that a guy with a rescue dog is a no-no on the personal hygiene front.