Listen — Ask Audrey: I’m going to put a peninsula in my kitchen. Do you know where I can get one? 

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting well -jealous on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose Kitchen Cost More Than Your House. (Particularly if you live in Ballinlough — Soz a million about that Audrey, no offence.) Julie_NoOnesFoolie kicked it all off, announcing that she LOST IT when her Interiors Guru presented a kitchen design that came in at under 30k. As she put it on the old WhatsApp, “I fired her ass faster than you can say, 30k for a kitchen, you must think I’m living in Frankfield”. 

Fanny_ProudofMyName said the latest thing on Californian Insta is to have an actual island in your kitchen, rather than the wooden old things they have out in Bishopstown, the ones they sit around sipping white wine from Lidl. Well Google was red hot with us looking where you could buy an island, because it’s an actual turn-on when you get something before your bee-atch of a friend. Hearts broken here this morning, didn’t Amy_NoShamey post a pic of her new kitchen island, freshly minted off the coast of West Cork. I could hardly type “awesome babez, on my way over for shots of Grey Goose”, with all the tears. Well, I’ll tell you, I didn’t get where I am today without determination and private education — so I’ve just figured out what I need to put Amy on her arse. A peninsula. I’m going to put a peninsula in my kitchen. Do you know where I can get one? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

My cousin is an expert at dealing with unusual requests. I said, what’s the weirdest thing you were ever asked to do. She said, My Kieran asked me to sing the Belgian national anthem during our love-making. #Weird. Who calls it love-making?

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Feck the Germans anyway with their addictive Christmas cake. Normally at this time of year I’d be fisting Celebrations into my gob because I don’t need to be bikini ready until April, when Berna and myself are booked to go on the almighty lash in Lanzarote, lock up your sons, not to mention your daughters, we go all out. Anyway, I was supposed to be on a diet this year because aren’t we having a 30-year class reunion after Christmas and I don’t want Philomena Brosnan honking on about my bingo wings. Things were going grand until I went on date with this German, back to his place anyway and didn’t he offer me a bit of cake. Stollen it’s called and long story short, I’m addicted to the fecking thing. The Germans are right weirdos, they put the marzipan in the middle of the cake, with a light icing on the top, it’s as tasty as Colin Farrell in a pair of Speedos. I got one for myself in Aldi and I’m here every night, one more slice and that’s it Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, but I can’t stop myself. I’ll be an open goal for Bitchy Brosnan. Do you think I should stop dating Germans, tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I dated this German guy called Hans. My sister called him Hans All Over the Place — which was funny until I found Hans all over her. #War

So, I had a research company check in with babes who turned me down, to see where I can improve my love game. The company asked the babes to describe me in one word and it didn’t make for pleasant reading — 20 old dolls and the most positive word in there was ‘constipated’. So the winds of change are blowing through my mind and it’s time to introduce New Ed, the Kaiser of Compassion. This goes way beyond a cool name though, because I want to put flesh on the old bones here and totally solve the housing crisis in Cork. Ergo—  the Latin for therefore — I’m going to lobby my old man to put affordable housing in the back garden of our Bond Villain gaff in Ballintemple. I checked in with my man, Bryan-with-a-Y and he said that one man’s affordable is another man’s pipe dream, so I need to get the price right. So, what’s affordable for the Ordinary Joe these days? 

-Ed, Ballintemple

My cousin is an estate agent. He’s being treated for dishonesty, with this buzzer device that gives him an electric shock every time he tells a lie. I said, is now a good time to buy? He said, no. I said, you must be really afraid of the electric shocks. He said, they really hurt.

C’mere, quick one. I’ve started dating this one from St Lukes, she do be well into her virtue-signalling. She told me I have to post an Instagram reel of myself, every night, NOT watching the World Cup, because things aren’t kosher in Qatar. Like, I’m not even that interested in the thing because Liverpool aren’t playing, but I’ll probably watch it until England get knocked out and I don’t want to be pushed around by a snobby one either, do you know that kind of away. So, should I push back and say sorry girl, no can do?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My niece is Woke Wendy. I rang her there and said, will you make a big deal out of not watching a single minute of the World Cup in Qatar, even though we all know you hate soccer anyway? She said, yes.