Listen — Ask Audrey: Is it possible to listen to jazz for a night without losing your mind?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My bitch of a sister is demanding a thaw-out in our relationship and isn’t she insisting that she comes down to Cork this weekend and we go out together as best buddies — as if she never stole my boyfriend, Finian, in 1997, high on the attention she got after a doctor removed two warts off her hand in CUH. Grand, says I, as long as we don’t have to go near the Jazz Festival — the last thing I need is some nob-end from Montenotte telling me to sit down and put my boobs away, that she’s trying to enjoy a bit of jazz. Well, didn’t the bitch of a sister give that a fat thumbs down, you should see them, and she announcing that we are going to be hip to the groove, Daddy-o with all the fecking jazz we’ll be listening to on our pub crawl around the town. That’s more of it now, but my mother isn’t well and she’d like to see her two daughters burying the hatchet. I better go ahead with the booze-cruise because I’m out of the will after the old bag heard me complaining to Berna about her on the phone. So, is it possible to listen to jazz for a night without losing your mind?
— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang my cool friend there, Smooth Ruth. I said, what do you in preparation for the Jazz? She said, I have a good old shave, why do you think they call me Smooth Ruth?